The Cage

I bend to pick up my girl.

On the bathroom floor, my messy hair twirl.

To clean it up, there seems to be no moment.

Babe playfully rubs it against her cheeks, 

causing me torment.

It's never enough and thus follow outbursts on face.

On it, the dull, dry mane make a painful trace.

It's worse on days which are silky.

Mocking the boils red and milky.

Lot of weight and enough troubles around.

I am done with this, and don't want anymore to be bound.

Off to the barber's I hurried.

Just chop it off and let these all be buried.

I need liberation and don't want to be worried.

The lady looked at the beautiful length of black.

How she longed for what was lack.

I won't do it she sighed, you will soon wish it was back.

She trimmed it up to make it neat.

Said she, there is a better way that could be a treat.

"Chop them in different styles, don't cry.

Now that it does not matter, do what you were always scared to try."

Lightened me instantly, simple though it may sound.

It was a self made trap to which a solution was just found.
Now dreams to fly and troubles to ground.

Never went back in frustration again.

When it happens then a makeover would be the gain.

Freedom I did get that day.

Attached yet detached with the strands till today.

Image from : https://pixabay.com/en/woman-face-contour-burnout-blank-73403/

Kahaani Main Twist!

I came home with a sick feeling in my tummy. It was not because the next day was my last working day at office. It was not because of the farewell treat where I over ate. Just when the final week approached and I was preparing myself for the next step, the unexpected again happened. Just when I thought I knew the direction, again I was at loss, having made to take a quick decision .

Post resignation I kept writing down my thoughts only to realize that part time job is the best for mom and baby/kids. Once at home full time, ladies tend to get immersed in the household chores more than they would want. And reality was I could not simply indulge in my expensive interests all my life unless there was a job to support them.  Hence, I made it clear to the managers that I would be back if they wanted me for half a day. But they again denied due to list of reasons and made me understand how it was not practical. On the last week of serving my notice period, I was sure there is no turning back and was busy making plans for at least one year. I was planning of how I would find that half day, self sustaining job. Job which would give me some income and some time to pursue my passion. How I would try all my interests to see if it could generate income, if not then freelancing options and so on. Just when I was preparing myself for what would be the best or the worst decision I had taken, I was asked by my managers if I was still in for the half day. In spite of the popular belief(supported with reason) that half day would not work out in team/organization like ours, some situation just made them feel like trying out.

The cook who was on 3 months leave had also finally declared that week, that she would not come back. It had unsettled me since that would mean more shortage of time. The half day would be a good transition option where I could focus on getting back my health on track and finding a new cook. Gearing up for what would be next. There was very short time to make the final decision (half an hour) and plus so many had tried so hard, working around with policies, the matter seemed to have been so escalated that in the end I could not even deny. So I gave a thumbs up, on the last but one working day, as an employee of my first company. It was done just because of the situation, but the amount they tried for it, did make me feel good and wanted.

So there I was, a weekend to rest and then a contract employee for a duration of 6 months at half day/half pay. But still something did not seem fine, Was not sure what. One of my friend was laughing at me in office saying my life now really seems like Ekta Kapoor's serials. Every day one new drama."DhaDhun!"

The realization dawned just when I reached home. I needed that vacation but somewhere over quick bargains it got overlooked again. The demand was 6 months break, agreed was 1 month break and what happened was I just got the usual weekend (again due to different situations). I was to report immediately on monday, as the employee of a new company but in the same old team, same old place, doing the same old work. I willingly or unwillingly compromised on that break which I thought was much needed. Perhaps I was again giving in to fears. Something would have worked out even if I had not agreed for the new proposal.

It's was too late to revert, and it felt bad because I felt obliged to agree in the end. This situation made me realize that the second part of a well known quote is true as well. "Naseeb se zyada aur naseeb se kam kisi ko kuch nahi miltha". We will get what we are destined to get even if we try to get rid of it.

At the same time, all this started because a full day job with a kid around suffocated me due to various reasons. Somehow I got what I wanted much more easily than I thought. Though the duration for which it extends is uncertain, it is a lucky chance to find out if a half day job is just what is needed.
Just what a mom needs. Just what one needs to pursue passion. Just what the company needs too.

Six more months to go.

Need to charge up, lots to prove so.

Hope I would give back what I took.

But more important is to retain the new outlook.

Perhaps it's a smooth transition, to make the most.

Ye tho bas shuruaat hai, picture abhi baaki hai mere dost!

photo credit: 2007_03_04_sunrise_33.JPG via photopin (license)

Poem for the last working day at office

Break to Make

Long hours away from babe, seemed like the cause of the distress.   

Believed it was need of the day, and hence, continued the press.

But present since much before were dissatisfaction,

guilt, fears, blames and regrets.

Oh! The long wait hoping for those to appreciate.

Realization! Living for and like others will only depreciate.

Tired or Enlightened!? Don't want to continue this race.

It was a beautiful journey, outward;

now is the time for the inward chase.

Or is it just that, could fit better in a different place?

Whichever is the case, it's a call for a break.

To live life slowly and for happiness sake.

Pursue interests, bask in the morning sun, bright,

Or peruse the depths of lake, in the hazy twilight.

To wing the dreams or face fears and burn.

It's for personal growth, to learn and to unlearn.

Relieved and happy, with the seeming U-turn!

Words just bring comfort; tough is going to be the try.

It has been very good here, will remember and sigh,

The best monthly sms, that never failed to give a wonderful high,

The help, the patience, the understanding,

the guidance, the learning, the company, the friendship 

and those happy laughter bringing tear in the eye.

Thank you all for each and everything.

Follow and motivate me at http://nonidealmom.blogspot.in/

Good bye for now, off to search what suits best.

I may be back with a bang as a result of the quest.

HorrorScope

Ever since Nandini was born, career has always haunted me. Leaving or continuing the job, both seemed like equally bad options. After lot of analysis I realized that perhaps I am not self motivated to be in IT, nor is money leading me to happiness. I needed time(and little money) to pursue my interests. The mistake of looking at others and trying to live my life their ways had caused all this. Somehow the simple realization led me to excitement. One part of me wanted to stay back, since now it was time to give back what I took. Another part of me felt that there was no better time to move out. Before working really becomes a need. I felt like if I resign it's the end of all my miseries. But there were so many mood swings that got my thyroid levels checked, just to be sure. Even that was not enough and I wanted more assurance that I was on the right path. Then I went to the last resort. An indication on whether it would be right to resign at this point in time or not.
Horoscope!

Couple of years ago my parents had themselves gotten a horoscope reading done for me not able to see me in depression of sorts. It was told then that, I had janma shani (whatever it means) and 2015 would bring an end to janma shani. And now it was 2015, plus I also had a very positive feeling of having found the direction in my life. I thought an indication that there is no financial troubles in near future, would add weight to my decision. So my dad requested one of our family friends to see if the horoscope could guide in anyway. He put me on a call with that Uncle so that I could get first hand Info.

Uncle : Don't quit the job. You have shani in ashthama. You will feel all these things. Just don't take any big decision. No matter what you do, you won't get mental peace.
Me : But I am tired and I want to relax.
Uncle : Yes, it is a part of the package. You will feel lethargic, dejected, demotivated and you will not get any support from anyone. Nor in family, nor in office. You have to reach within to solve your problems.
Me : But anyway I am a lady and can afford to stay at home. Or atleast I can try for a sabatical.
Uncle : It is the truth now, two people need to work. Can't help it. Everything is expensive. If you get that sabatical leave, it's good. But don't quit.
Me : What if I quit and try online job options when I want. I wanted to know if we would end up having financial crisis. Is there any indication of the same?
Uncle : No matter what you try, you will not find mental peace in the next two years. Better to face a known devil than something unknown. It does not appear in your horoscope like there would be financial problems anywhere in the near future, but shani can come in any kinds of forms and is unpredictable. So can't be sure. Just have patience and push through this. Shani's bad impact for you is just 20% of what it is for some others.
Me : For 20% I feel like this!? I wonder how it would be for people who have 100%.
Uncle : Yes, it is too bad for some others. Read "Vishnu sahasranama". If you don't have time, then atleast listen to it in office. Do a shani japa homa. You can scrape through this. Things will be fine. End of 2017 will end the shani period for you.
Me (disappointed) : So can I then quit after two years?
Uncle : After two years you will not feel like quitting at all! Your horoscope says you would stay a  working lady for much longer.

It was not just an astrology reading but an advice from a well wisher too. It is lucky to have such people around you. I spoke about the same to many people. All kept telling me importance of money and gave me valuable advice. And I too agree that it is important, can't deny it. Just that, forgetting to live in present due to fear was not acceptable anymore. The advice from uncle again made me re-analyse the decision.

There were two things.
1> This entire horoscope thing could be wrong. In that case, I was just being stupid wasting every one's time by seeking for the information. I could trust my instincts and go forward and quit.
2> If everything is correct, then pushing though two years would ensure long relation with IT. Just thinking of the same I felt scared. I always wanted to quit once Nandini is 6 years or so and pursue hobbies and interests. Perhaps, if I continue for two more years, all those hopes would vanish and I would only be left with the "What Ifs".
Now if like what the horoscope says, I would work for quite long, then quitting may perhaps open up alternate means of career. So it's a win win situation.

A day later, I got inputs from my mom saying 2017 end, my husband's shani would start and stay for 7 years. Just when I thought it would be over and we would live happily ever after!

Believing in these is secondary, but the embedded truth is that life will always have troubles and challenges. Moreover, as soon as one feels settled, an unsettled feeling starts. It's like day and night.

The horoscope reading helped me in a way different than I was hoping for. I am aware that I should expect the unexpected! I am constantly reminding myself that as long as we are alive, we have to keep kicking. There is no escape! "Horrorscopes" show the same too, directly or indirectly.

https://pixabay.com/en/horoscope-sign-zodiac-96309/

The language of silence

It was just another evening in the park. My lazy daughter was happily sitting on her favorite merry go round while I was simply pushing it, subduing the urge to run around and play.
A cry made me turn behind. It was a baby lying flat on her tummy, fallen while trying to cross the single layered brick border surrounding the park. Her family members were right behind, letting her learn her lessons through falls.

As I was making a note on how I should also let my daughter loose more often, a beautiful scene caught my eyes. A man and a woman of the family who had just entered the park, were now standing side by side and holding hands. They had their backs to me, yet the language without words was speaking for itself. There was an unmistakable air of comfort, admiration and affection. The dusk was adding to the glowing love and the cool breeze was carrying it to me, carrying it to places distant. I relished this serene moment for as long as I could.

Then the baby came running towards us, followed by her dad. The dad made her sit in the merry go round but she would not lift her legs up. She was trying to push it herself. Her father kept saying something which just fell deaf to her ears. The grandpa then made his way towards us to rescue the dad. He said the magic word, "basa!" and the baby immediately settled down. Grandparents and the kids somehow plot together to make the parents feel incapable and dumb.

The grandpa was a man in 60s wearing an off white shirt with small red flowers. He looked at me intently and asked, "Don't you use aloe vera? For your pimples?". 

"No!", I said without even thinking since the unexpected question made me too conscious. Then I remembered how that was also one of the things I had tried long back. I resisted back my temptation to tell the same and story of all the things that I had tried. Not today! Today I wanted to be an observer. I shook my head with an expression of having given up on it and waited for him to continue.

"It is very good. Acne gets cured. Do try!" he said.

I smiled and nodded my head in agreement.

"That is my girl! My daughter!", he pointed out proudly to the lady, now sitting on a park bench nearby. The lady, whose hands he was lovingly holding a while ago.
"Hehehehe!", I giggled amused at his enthusiasm and youthfulness. "I made out", I said, recollecting their sweet moment a while ago, which did not escape my eyes. I then looked at the daughter who smiled back. Probably he told it to to make me realize that he had a daughter of my age and hence the concern and knowledge.

He seemed a bit puzzled with my laugh but continued, "This is my girl's girl!". I smiled and nodded my head, not telling him this time that it was obvious. Perhaps it was now this uncle's turn to cover up his awkwardness at my unexpected reactions. He continued. Pointing at the baby's dad, he said, "This is, in law, my son! My son in law!" Happily nodding my head again I looked at the son in law to finish the formality of the introduction. Could it be that the son in law was embarrassed with his father in law's silly explanations or was he really busy managing his daughter on the merry go round? He did not look up to meet my eyes.

The young old man continued looking at me, thinking what to tell next. I decided to finally take a lead. Was it just him, or was it the love he showered on the little princess in his life, which made him such an adorable person. Or was there something else too? So much youth, friendliness and freshness radiating out of him. Could it be the effect of the place he was from too? "Basa" sounded like Marathi.
"Where are you from?",  I asked.

"Goa!", said he, making me dreamy again. That was the place I had never been to. The place which reminds one of freshness and youthfulness. The place where everything seems to be merry. The place where perhaps people never grew old just like the one in front of me.

After a few minutes the son and father, both by law, were led to the slides by the baby. Very soon I coaxed my daughter out of the merry go round so that other kids get their turn. As she ran towards the other play items in park, I turned behind to finish my unspoken conversation with the daughter if she was still sitting on the bench. Co-incidentally she too was looking at me. I smiled at her trying to convey something through my eyes. She immediately smiled back as though she understood but within moments it faded to be replaced by a strange melancholy. I meant to tell her that I found her dad admirably cute like my dad. Perhaps she understood my sign and perhaps I too understood the void.

I walked away with a contentment, imagining that amidst all the noise and cheer, we silently shared more than just a smile.

Someday

I think I would write a letter to Mr. Modi
To mention how important part time job, is for a lady.
I hope there would be an impact, leading to things more steady.
To make it easier for my daughter when she is ready.

Then I resist myself, it's not the time right.
I need to learn the rules to write.
I lack the facts to power my insight.

But I hope someday people will realize that everything is equal, lacking just the synergy,
The tamed, disciplined mind and the raw, untouched energy.
Someday we will know that negative and positive were once just the same,
how they split and why the difference came.

Then there will be 'that' someday when both will suddenly merge.
Perhaps that day, the big bang theory would reverse.
Every element fusing to a point tending to inifinity.
Clearing up the mess as mentioned in the book, "God's Debris".
Tough to imagine that as the end of the journey,
When time is right, there would be the split again, creating you and me.

But someday light would combine with the dark,
and everything would be how it should be.
Someday the opposites would peacefully unite, creating a new history.
That someday! We would all really be free.

For now, I hope we all blend.
Following the voice and setting a new trend.
Surely someday I won't be me and you wont be different.
Someday, and 'Someday' it surely would be.


photo credit: Neutron Stars Rip Each Other Apart to Form Black Hole via photopin (license)

Other Side of the Mountain

One of the nursery rhymes that me and my daughter watch have the following lyrics :

The bear went over the mountain

The bear went over the mountain

The bear went over the mountain

To see what he could see

And all that he could see

And all that he could see

Was the other side of the mountain

The other side of the mountain

The other side of the mountain

Was all that he could see.

That's all I am off to see perhaps.

This whole act of resignation to try something else feels like that. It's like getting out of one web to be caught in another.

 I hope the journey would be worth.

Serendipity

It was not just another day when I sent an IM to a friend group in my office :
Me : T?
Friend 1:  :-o !
Friend 2 : After more than an year!!!
Friend 3 : In!

Birds of the same feather flock together.
I joined the company as a campus recruit and a month training was conducted for all of us. Post the training sessions, everyone would split up into different groups and some remained loners. I found my comfort in a group which we later named as "T-Group". We were fun-loving people, each one introvert in their own ways. None would go out of their way to be a showstopper or show-stealer in the stage of life. Either on stage or in the audience, we would still not like to miss the show and the fun. There was also a mixture of modern ideas and traditional values which suited all of us.
Eight years back, we were more than ten members, now reduced to just four. The diversity of topics and the fun element in them had also reduced, partly because of the reduction in number and partly because most were caught in the web of marriage. Perhaps it was lack of interesting topics, or excess work, or both, we started meeting very less off late.

After grabbing the tea, milkshakes, namkeen, we started towards the seating area. I scanned for the most isolated place and led everyone to the same. We reached the rear end of the cafe. As we pulled out the chairs to sit, Anirudh asked, "Did you want to watch the lake today?" The question made me nostalgic. 

The first time that we were led to this part of the rooftop cafe, was by Mani, 'x' T- Group member. A hopeless romantic, he was going on describing the beauty of the entire place. "When I come here, I feel so nice, this wind through my hair, this blue lake and greenery around, this scenery, this......" 
My eyes quickly scanned the entire place and found one man sitting on the edge of the lake, defecating! I agree today, Modiji is right! Toilets first! "See there!" I said, pointing at the man. 
"Uhhh!" Mani said distorting his face in disgust. He turned away and scolded me while walking in the other direction, "You know, you are that person! That person, who can find the tiniest dot in a big white sheet!". I laughed a content devilish laughter, the sweet victory of breaking his happy trance. The comment was first of it's kind though and made me ponder for years to come.


Snapping into present, I kept looking back for the last person to join us. There was something important to tell today. A secret!  I am good at keeping them, provided the reasons are good enough.

A month prior to this rendezvous, I had desired for a solo trip to a nature spot with nobody I knew, around. It was to stop all the thoughts or get lost in my thoughts. It was a thumbs up from my husband's side, but I chickened out of it, fearing the risks. Couple of weeks later I went down with dengue.  I got what I wanted in a strange way. Five days in the hospital bed, staring at ceiling and staring at the wall. I still wanted to be alone and did not want absolutely anyone to visit me. I was tired mentally, physically and emotionally. My husband was around, as always silent, calm and at peace. He complements me so well that sometimes I cannot distinguish me from him. And this was such a time. 

After years, my "Me Time" which was about being all alone was gifted to me. It was not in the way I wanted or would have liked but still I thank god for giving it to me. So all those who did not visit or could not visit, I am happy since it increased my "Me time". 
But yet some did visit me and thanks for the same. Out of courtesy, out of concern, out of curiosity, out of love, whichever was the case, some came. Other than relatives, the only visitors that I had were from the "T group". Was it just a mere co-incidence or a sign?

This group which had seen the downsides of me. The group which had beared my emotional turmoils. Some who had patiently listened to the same topics and complaints over and over again and yet continued to be with me. Some who had asked me to shut up and not whine. Some who had given me, "I too understand" dialogues and quoted supporting examples which made me realize they did not understand at all. And one who liked me enough to tell, "You seemed like the first half of 'Jab we met' movie when you joined, now it looks like the second half!" Though an exaggeration, it kept reminding me all these years, how I was deviating from my true self.

When you are happy it is easy to have friends around, 
But it is a blessing to find a shoulder to cry when down. 

I did not want to burden them with a secret. But if this small secret could be a burden, then what I had been doing to them all these years would be an offense. It was not fair and not worth keeping this secret from them.


The other two had happy faces at having met after so long and we were chit chatting. I turned back impatiently, one last time, she was either late or not going to make it. I had anyway told her during lunch, so just decided to go ahead. "Actually, I called you people to tell something important," I said.
"Don't tell me you have put your paper!" Harish said without a moments delay.
 "Oh my god! Bull's eye! How did you guess it? Or is the news already making the rounds?" I asked.
He looked totally shocked and said, "What? You are joking right? I don't know! I said simply! You are lying! It can't be!"
"I put it three weeks back." I said with a slight guilt.
"And you are telling now? The moment people come out, they are so happy that they start announcing!" said Harish.

A week before dengue fever, my manager called me to the meeting room. "I request you to keep this confidential. People just go on announcing it like an achievement. I don't like it! And then it is spread across. That is not the way it should be. People will know when it is time to know! I know that you are not like that. You are sensible and I trust you to keep this entire thing confidential till the time is right." he said. A person with a big heart, but at the same time knows what words to be used with which person. It was not my sense of duty, ethics, the rights and wrongs or the trust he credited me with, which agreed to him. Symptomatic treatments do not solve any issues. My stubborn 12 year old acne problem is a reminder of that. But my respect and gratitude for him made me nod my head in agreement.

"But just like that, why did you do it?" the manager asked curiously. I shook my head not sure if I should even reveal, it still sounded so silly and embarrassing. Or maybe, he just wanted to suggest more solutions to continue as in the beginning I was hoping to work it out somehow. Asking for half day options, sabatical options and what not.
"It's Ok, I am happy with the decision. It's a happy one! Really!", I said feeling  content and relaxed already. 
"Yes, but what next?" he asked really wanting to know. 
I gave up and said, "I want to dance! I just want to be able to dance!"
He did a good job of not showing any emotion other than digesting the information. "You mean, you want to teach dancing? As a profession?" he asked. 
"I don't know. I want to get rid of my back pain. Get my health back and be able to dance! Or maybe I will learn and take up yoga as profession" I said recollecting how my parents asked me, when I was four, if I would join my sister in her dance class. I said "Girls dance, not me!", like I was not one, "I will exercise."
He could connect to some extent and started telling, "I understand too. I have already started taking music classes in the weekends.....". 
Not sure what he said next, an impatient listener, I cut him short,"At least you have learnt music! You have an edge." 
Finally, the expression nearing disbelief was on his face, "What? Have you never learnt dancing?"
I shook my head in a big no and said, "I dunno, it's really wierd. During final year of B.E, I participated in one dance. I felt like this is what I was born to do. It's just wierd! " 

It was the final semester of engineering, when I finally took part in a dance, believing then, that it would be my last dance performance on stage. They say if you do something in excess, it starts losing the taste. I too wanted to satisfy my lifetime's desire to perform on stage, in that one last dance. The music began and I twirled and faced the audience, me in the coloured light, them in darkness, every part of me alive and at it's best! It had to be, it was the last time. At that point in the stage, there was 'the moment' where one second seemed to extend into a minute. That voice, that silent me, telling me that this is what I was born for.

My manager said, "It happens! It happens 'all' the time!"
Was it agreement on his face or pity for where I was leading myself to? Did he mean that 'all' get such feelings but life has to go on? Was it a comment in sync with the dialogue he said few days back, "Jo haath main hai vo mitti, jo kho gaya voh sona."?
Barring the thoughts, I continued trying not to be overwhelmed, "This was the right thing to do. I am at peace with whatever has happened in my life so far because I could take this decision. There were times when I thought it was unfair that I am a women, that I should have been a man. Today I am happy about it, since it allowed me to take such a decision more easily. The day I resigned, blames and regrets left me. Everything that ever happened seems fine now."
His expression changed when I mentioned about the regret of not being a man. Could not read it, but father of two daughters, the sentence could have had a meaning for him. But he now seemed to have gotten the hang of what I was going through and wished me luck and we got back to work. Me agreeing to respect his wish though not really agreeing with him.


After justifying the need to keep the entire thing secret, adding the "Don't tell anyone" dialogue, I said,"I am just going for a break. Dunno what next as of now."
"Many want to take this decision but are not able to. It's really great that you could take it!" Harish said with admiration.
"Are you saying that?" I asked in disbelief. Whenever I would speak to him about this topic he was always of the opinion that it is good if women work. He is never short of admiring his working mum's contribution to the family.
"You know, my wife also says the same thing. Once we have a baby she will not work it seems. She would not want to leave the baby." Anirudh said, happy to have arrived to the conclusion that perhaps all women think same.
"Aaah! People will say that but thoughts may change later", quipped Madhu who joined in soon after the news sank.
"I am not doing this for Nandini!  She may benefit from it and she is the main factor leading me to this. This is perhaps right time. Now that she has joined school, I would find time to work out an alternate way. I want to do something else." I said begging to differ. But truly, my daughter brought purpose in my life and also inspires me to keep going on.
"Ya ladies have so many options you know. My friend's wife is doing some craft work kind of thing at home",  Anirudh said.
"Ya I am thinking of Yoga, dance or perhaps B.A. in literature. Something I wanted to do even the time I met Vasu. I am going happily mad since so many options have opened up, now that I have resigned. I am so relieved," I said. Six and a half years back my beloved husband, then fiance, triggered me out of a 23 year old writer's block as we kept writing Shayaris to each other. That time I never found enough courage to quit though I desperately wanted to. Mommies are braver!
"Ya, it's nice. We also wish we had such an option." said Anirudh with a smile which showed that men were trapped too. 

The last two and half years had been very stressful for the entire family. I chose to work for the financial aspect but always wished it was a four hours job. I was too tired but pushed myself knowing that it would be same if I stay at home too. Many times I would complain to all about my stress levels, hoping for either more help or motivation or an ego boost. But they were equally or more tired. All I would get back, was the dialogue to quit working if I wanted to. I craved for that important place in the family, the role of aiding the bread earner which I did not feel I got. And in the end, none of us were happy even if money flowed in. Each thinking that they are doing a favor to the other and each more stressed than the other. After a big argument with family members I finally confronted my husband, "Why would you not admit that I do make a difference financially for the family?". He said, "You are making it and I can't deny that, but I can't afford to go to the comfort zone of thinking you would always work!" Everybody has a valid point and if we think enough everybody seems to be right in their own ways. What I was looking for, was a push, but now I realize, I have something better! Freedom!


Today I did not have a counter reply for Anirudh. It was perhaps my turn to make guys jealous. Instead of cribbing about what is not right, instead of hoping for more support, instead of going by the book, instead of blame games and regrets, I was making the best of what was available and given to me in this life. Most importantly, I was finally listening to my intuitions.

I still want to earn but me first and then money. I will get no more or no less than what was destined, directly or indirectly. 
I still want to do my part for the family but me first and then relationships. If I am not fine then no relationship will be. 
I still have lot of dreams but happiness first and then dreams. Dream itself is in the hope of finding happiness at the end of it. 
I am off to check all the theories, put them to practice and it will be tough to do so. I may end up as a homemaker, or back in IT, or something else.Whichever keeps me self motivated. Time will tell what is to happen.

I read a quote few days ago: "Someday, everything will make perfect sense."

Looking back, all the random activities in life seem to follow a pattern. Right from health, family, friends, job, conversations, opportunities, nature, to the mundane day to day activities, all seem to be speaking a language of their own. If one cares to listen, pieces of the jigsaw puzzle start falling into place. What seemed like holes once, may start appearing like bridges.


Carved was a path obvious, but you had other plans.
Sweet Serendipity! You are not just a mere chance.

Ignoring caused torment, created an unbearable noise.
Hence, giving up on reason, surrendering to the inner voice,
Knowing that you would step in again, 
when it is not the best choice.

The Sweetest Of All

"Amma Amma! Odopo!", said Nandini, bringing a book she was gifted by a relative the previous day. The new book was, "Grandpa's stories", Volume 1 by Navneet Publications.
I gave her some other books asking her to see the pictures so that I could read the new book myself first. Every minute she would close a book and impatiently tell me, "Ee book soothu aanu!" . I kept passing her different books till I finished reading this one. The book had stories of wit and humour and my 3 year old was too young to understand most.Nevertheless, had to translate the stories to her since she would not agree otherwise. 

It was a struggle to make her understand meaning of words like, "Earth", "Stingy", "fools" etc. Either the stories would be modified or some parts would be  skipped for simplicity sake. Worst were the humorous Nasruddin Mulla stories. She would stare blankly at the end of it and not get the joke. After every story, I would say that it's enough but she would insist and we continued our sense and non-sense time.

Then came the 5th story, "The Sweetest of All". The story goes like this in brief :
A scholar from neighboring country came to king Bhoja's court. He asked a question which no one had so far answered to the scholar's satisfaction. The question being, "What is the sweetest thing on earth?"
All the pundits in court, thought it was a simple question, and gave different answers. Love, Selfishness, Good sleep, Respect, Success, being some of the answers. None satisfied the scholar. Then Kalidasa stepped in and gave an answer which  made the scholar happy.
Below is the reply as given in the book:
"Your majesty! Need is the sweetest of all. Nothing seems sweet unless and until one needs it. If you are not hungry, you do not need food, hence it does not taste sweet. If you don't need someone to be near you, his love will no longer seem sweet to you. Similarly if you do not need to be selfish, selfishness will not be sweet and when you wake up after a peaceful sleep, even sleep will not be sweet to you. Those who see no difference between respect and insult, will not appreciate respect. The people who live in forest do not find fame to be sweet, because they do not need fame. Thus, need is the sweetest of all. Nothing is sweet unless and until one really needs it."

I could not help but appreciate that today this answer was not just a theory to me. At the same time, I was struggling to explain this concept of  "need" to Nandini along with all the other new words. She was quiet and I could not make out if her mind had wandered or was she really listening. I was curious to know whether she understood anything at all. Had to put her to test! Holding her chin, I moved her face towards me. As soon as her big wide eyes caught mine, I asked, "Manthethla sweet jaado?" [What is the sweetest of all?]. Without missing a moment, like an obedient student, she replied , "Soan Papadi!!".




Translations :
"Amma Amma! Odopo!" - "Mother! Mother! Make me read!"
"Ee book soothu aanu!" - "I finished seeing this book!"


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Name of this Blog

"You know what your problem is? You are a perfectionist! You are not able to handle it, when you don't hit the target, right at bulls eye!". These were the lines my manager told me patiently, at the end of a super heated argument, which I lost in tears.

Later that night, looking at the dry, flaky skin which had not tasted moisturizer since an year, gazing at the ever increasing pile of unwashed clothes, recollecting how I skipped baby's vitamin doze that night since I was too tired, I wondered if I really was a perfectionist. Are they not the ones who are perfect? I was far from anything near perfection.

As I pondered on this subject, I realized that I do seek perfection in things that mean a lot to me. And on top of it, if I thought something should happen certain way and at a certain time, then it just had to, else I would get frustrated. "Mission Failed!". I would not mind leaving something incomplete because it did not go as per plan.
I think perfectionists are people who seek perfection and not perfect people. Perfectionist  also keep finding flaw in everything. It's because as they improve on things, they observe scope for more improvement. Everybody would be perfectionist in some or the other aspect in life. It's a worthy quality depending on how it is used.

The lines by my manager also opened my eyes to my problems. I had set my targets looking at success definitions around me, ignoring what I really wanted. I thought it was success to have financial stability, relationships with people of same wavelength, a routine and disciplined life without unknowns etc. As I would work on them, either I would not be able to meet them or the targets would move ahead as soon as they seemed easy. There was no end. My targets also depended highly on external factors and luck, not everything can be controlled. Nothing will ever be ideal unless you think that everything is ideal. But it is tough to be fooled into such a belief.

I had been stressed up for quite sometime, had even plunged into spiritual reading (in limited available time), but did not know what exactly was the cause of trouble.  Finally, on knowing the issue, direction became clear. Any strong quality in you, can either be your weakness or your strength depending on how you decide to use it. The so called "perfectionist" is here to stay, time to change the target.  Now on my goal would be "happiness and inner peace". If I fret on not achieving it, then I move further away. So in no case can I brood over regrets or disappointments since it is against my aim.  After almost 7 years, I finally found the courage to listen to my intuition. I made up my mind and resigned that night. Success will not be about following the general success trends anymore. My definition of success today, is being happy and doing what makes me so, without waiting for the ideal time or situation.

It is going to take practice and has to be built up in coming days and years but I already feel content. The name of this blog also reflects an aspect of the recent insight. 
At peace, knowing that nothing is flawless like I would like them to be. 
Yet close to my heart just like the imperfect me. 

P.S - ImperfectMom was already taken away, making the name slightly less perfect than I would have liked. ;):p

Choosing the Doctor

Date : Around 22-Jan-2012

"It's positive! Congrats!", said the doctor. 
"Are you sure? I am ahead by just 5 days!", I said in disbelief. It was not even 20 days since we decided to have the baby. 
As I would tell my husband, "So far our company was services based, time to start our  product!" :p.  
"Yes, almost sure. Get a lab test done after a week and come back to me.", said the doctor.

Lab test confirmed the same and before I could go to the doc again, my parents rushed and came to Bangalore, totally excited to meet me. 

This time I went to her with my husband.

Doc: "Take these tablets, morning 1 each and night 1 each. Both after meals."

Me (suspiciously): "The other tablet looks like hormone tablet. Why do I need it? There is no complication yet."

Doc : "Yes but these days all women need it."

Me (uncomfortable and thinking) : "Maybe I need to change this doc."

Doc : "Don't walk too much, don't travel by bus, don't travel by 2-wheeler, don't travel by auto for couple of months, don't climb stairs...don't...blah blah blah..don't...blah blah blah..don't...blah blah blah.",

Me (freaking out  and thinking) : "Helloo! How do I go to office then?!!" :o

The way the doc spoke, it looked like any slight disturbance and I would lose the baby. Delicate and careful is something that does not come even with practice to me. Felt like I would have to clip out my wings for next 8 months. I reached home with a brave face only to flood the living room with tears. Mum as usual said, "Inkulu mantha eethu late baale ampuna, aike incha aapuna." (You all plan for kids so late, that's why all these problems). I wondered if she was right. But at 26 I was losing my calm over nothing, it would have been worse if it was even before.

Next day we both rushed to another doctor.

Doc : " You have these Folic acid tablets for now."

Me (thinking) : "No hormone tablets. She is good perhaps!"

Doc : "Don't start any new physical activity/exercise. Other than that, you can continue with whatever you have been doing so far. "
Me (relieved) : "Phew!"
Doc : "You can drive 2 wheeler and go to office. I drove till 7 months!"
Me (excited and thinking) : "Wow! She is cool too!"
Doc (looking at my husband with lot of concern) : "You  both can continue having sex too."
Both of us (uncomfortably changing position in the seat, wondering where to focus our eyes and thinking): "Did she really say that now?" (Blush! Blush!)

Nausea never allowed me to ride my 2 wheeler to office the entire time but I chose my doctor :). 
Regarding the last suggestion, you can keep guessing ;).

Career Break

Motherhood brings one of the most toughest decisions in a working women's life. The taste of financial independence, good social circle and identity one has built up from years of hard work. It's not so easy to let it all go in one shot. Nor would it be easy to leave the darling baby, a piece of your heart for big part of the day. Somewhere, the charm of this gift reduces due to the burden of decision making and the  compromises that have to be made.

It took me a lot to conclude that I would join back to work. My dad's encouragement finally assured me to at least give it a try. But again now, when she is 3, I have my own reasons to discontinue. It took a lot to even go for this break (serving the notice period). Somewhere in midst of all the excessive thinking, I have decided to use thumb rules for parenting and for life which brought more clarity into my decision making.

• Plan for future. Don't overdo it due to fear.
• Never forget to live in the present.
• The only person you can definitely make happy is "You"! So go ahead and make yourself happy first. Do what it takes! It will not only improve your relations but also can reduce your expectations from others.
• Every choice is as good or as bad as the rest.
• After making a choice, there is a high chance that you may feel the other was better. Somewhere in the long run both will lead to the same destination. Also refer the above point, don't regret and relax.
• Quality time is more important in a relationship than it's quantity.
• Never take credit for the success of your children and never blame yourself for their failures. Give your love, best support and guidance knowing that you can't change destiny. Similarly don't have expectations from them.            "Karm kar, phal ki iccha math kar" - Bhagwad Gita.

Listed are some deciding factors for career or break and what I think about each one :

Health:
It is most important to be healthy physically, mentally and emotionally. See which choice can lead to a better health to you and the baby. 

Financial Stability :

It's a never ending target. Crisis is one thing and stability is another. Financial crisis is a need and need makes a person strong. Financial stability is a fear and fear makes a person weak. Know where to draw a line! 
If  this is the measure of success  for one and keeps them happy, then this could be a good reason to still continue working. If the spouses thoughts don't match then it is a slightly difficult situation. But you are the one who has to work and leave the baby for that period. Do what makes you happier.

Financial Independence :

The heading may sound same but it is slightly different. This is more about keeping our survival skills intact. I believe it's good to earn (or social work, any work outside house) to be able to sustain any crisis. It brings confidence and humbleness, both. This topic was added out of self interest and need not prevent one from going for a break. But ladies, do try to get back sometime with something!

Identity crisis :
Yes, it is good to be known as working than as a home-maker. But a home-makers job is the toughest. It's like social service without any recognition. It is an identity in itself. Try best not to get bogged down by what others think. If someone cannot respect you enough because you are homemaker, then they don't even deserve your attention anyway. Again let your happiness be the factor.

Boredom :
It is tough to stay 24 hours at home if you have been previously working. It is tough to work and manage baby if you are not able to re-energize yourself in some way. Unless of course the job itself rejuvenates you. Do consider this factor and see what rejuvenates you more.

Impact on baby:
Studies and researches say different things. But guess what! There still are loads and loads of things unexplained by science. Separation of baby and mum may not be ideal or natural but it's still fine. Everything in the world is evolving. And everything has it's pros and cons. See which path would be best for babies needs, your needs, and your relationship with baby. Sometimes staying at home 24 hours with the baby may be so stressful that the mum may go into depression or not cater to the babies needs. See which choice would help you to bring in that "quality time". Also understand that just by spending all the time and quality time also may not make the child most attached to you or more cleverer than they would have been otherwise. They have a nature of their own and their own choice.

Once I had a discussion with my colleagues who had working moms. I mentioned how it was a pleasure to find mum at home on returning from school. How I shared the stories of school and how I thought it helped to improve the bond. To my surprise, the ones with working mums said, "We would also do the same. We would just wait for her, near bus stop, and escort her home telling the stories on the way". So they too have similar memories. "But if she had holidays we would find it tougher since she would monitor everything too much. We would crib, 'Aiyoo! Neenu idiya mane alli?' ", they said. I never felt that about my mum, so they grow more independent but is it bad? I think, in all categories there are all kinds of people and no studies or researches would conclude so easily if they start looking at all angles and all factors.

Support for baby and mom :
This is one of the main reasons many quit.  If in the end, you strongly want to be and have to be working then there would be some way. I was not totally motivated and it was important to have grandparents around in my absence. I could trust them to take care of her better than I myself would. At the same time I appreciate people who are able to leave their baby with a nanny or in a day care. It is called, having faith! These people are truly courageous and optimistic. 
If you are are doing what you really want or if truly there is a need, things just fall into place. Just make sure you don't become jealous, possessive or insecure due to the care-giver. If yes, then you need to rethink your choice.

Joys of motherhood :
It is not something you experience only if you are around the baby all the time. Nor does missing some important milestones make your joy lesser. 
Don't look at what others are doing and get confused with others choices and opinions. Do the research, know your needs first! With right and clear decision, one would be able to enjoy and make most of motherhood any way. :)




Translations :
Aiyoo! Neenu idiya mane alli - On no! Even you are there at home?

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Thoughts on "Me Time"!!

Why are the first 2-3 years of growing up a baby most stressful for mums?

For "stay at home" mums, the entire day is about baby. When baby sleeps it's about house and everyday essential activities. In spite of doing that, the baby wakes up before even the hair could be combed. Some cooking needs to be done with baby on one side.
Socializing is missed. It is suffocating to not have intelligent talk entire day. Even going out would be to entertain the baby and not yourself. 100% dedication is needed. Maybe it's good in case of joint families, but they would have their own pros and cons. 

"Stay at home" mums suffer from under stimulation!

For " full time working mums", the day is about running around in the morning to get ready, pack things and spend time with baby, follow the work schedule of the day and get back home. Even before the quick visit to loo, the baby is in mum's hands. The baby would have missed mum so much that it would not be ready to leave her even for a minute. So the supposedly quality time, which would be 3-4 hours with the baby, would be spent without even washing face. 
If it was a hectic day at work then you may just hold the baby blankly. There will be guilt of not being able to enjoy the childhood or give attention. Or the days you do fine, there would be absolutely no time for your back or mind to rest.  

"Full time working" mums suffer from over stimulation!

What could make it better?

While every mum will try her best to cater to the babies needs in her own way, she forgets herself. She thinks it's OK and that the baby is first. It's fine, if you are still happy because the basic formula is:

Happy babies = Happy mums            [assign like 'C', but is true either ways ;) ]

If not, then you might need a dose of "Me time". With modernization, the need of "Me time" has increased, the scope to have it has decreased.

What is "Me time"?

For different people it would mean different things. But basic idea is to unwind and recharge. And for a mom this would be indulging in activities she loves to do without having to monitor and worry about the baby/kid. The activity could be reading a book, watching TV, listening to music, dancing, exercising, a walk in park, shopping etc.

How do I find that time?

Lately I have come to believe that one should live in the present. 
But for "Me Time", mommies you have to wait till the kid goes to school. No matter how much help you have, it would only be to accomplish day to day mundane activities which otherwise may not even be possible. So unless you are in a mode where day to day activities and the baby itself can rejuvenate you, "me time" is not achievable. 
The babies need your full attention till first few years of their life. You would have to compromise some other important time to make that ''me time". Sleeping even lesser, or not cooking a proper meal, or not cleaning house and so on. These will but just increase your stress and hence the fun will be lost.

At least now, we can truly appreciate the efforts put by our parents.

So is "Me time" a myth?

Nothing is impossible but in this case, it depends on circumstances. 

Simplest would be to get help from the baby's "daddy"!  For at least couple of years dads should also try to keep home as priority. Taking the baby for a walk would really help. An hour off in the house without the baby around is a treat for any mum. This may not be the case every time. Men could have more demanding job is demanding or different priorities. Relying on this could mean expectation mismatches, blame games and more fights and in the end dad's stress also increases.

Best would be to have a job which one loves doing (not just for the money). Then working would actually be beneficial for baby and mum. Mum is happy, baby is happy. Quality time matters as much as quantity time. 
I personally believe, part time job is the best for mums. 3-4 hours away, to socialize, do things you love and get paid for it, get to spend quality and quantity time with the baby. Even if the job pays for just the nanny's or day care fees, it should be alright at the moment.

For "stay at home" mums, leaving the baby in day care for couple of hours would be a good option. Stress levels would come down and you would be able to make the best of motherhood. It may not be possible depending on finance conditions. It could be good to get grandparents help also sometimes. Again, based on situation.

Find your way, don't worry too much about consequences since any way is as fine as the other. So choose what suits you best.

What if one does not find it?

If nothing seems to work, then just stop thinking about "Me time" and it's benefits.
In couple of years things will not be as bad. A hope of easier tomorrow, could help one  to keep going. Try to tick days in the calender. Have patience. There is a saying "This will pass too".
Moreover, everything in life are experiences and lessons. I learnt to value time only coz of my daughter. There was a learning for me in it. Each will find theirs.

It's awesome to have that time which is just "mee".
If not, for a while just be "mummyyyy". :)


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Birth of baby! Birth of mum?

The nurse devotedly uttered the encouraging words "banthu banthu banthu...", as I gathered all the energy I could, for the final push. I watched it's thick black hair and tiny little butt, as the nurse frantically stopped in midway, it's cool dive into the real world. 
When I look back I remember the funny labour scene of the movie, "Big Fish". The rosy baby who literally seemed to have jumped out a couple of minutes ago was brought near me. Alone for the first time, she looked sad and puzzled. With her lip inverted, her accusing eye looked into mine. Till today I am unable to decipher that expression. Perhaps she wanted to be pacified or perhaps was out of her comfort zone. Just scared of the strange sights that she saw and the strange environment, scared of the strange me.
Detesting changes is natural. It starts right from the moment of birth.

Can't recollect if I saw the face first or saw "her" first, and there was a tinge of disappointment in me. We are a family of girls and hence myself and some were hoping for a change this time. Boy babies and boy kids remain a mystery. 
Sometimes fate has a way of giving us what we need rather than what we want.

The first glimpse of the baby is what every mum awaits apprehensively for 9 months. I had assumed this would be a blissful moment with happy tears. The times when I kept poking my tummy to find a foot or hand withdrawing back on touch. Shy girl that she was and curious mom that I was :). Those eagerly awaited bi-monthly scans to catch a glimpse of the growing bundle of joy. The countless times I kissed the face caught by foetal scan while trying to imagine how the baby would actually look. And now that she was here, all that I could do was stare with exhaustion. The nurse continued to hold her close to my face till I realized and gave that expected kiss. 

I was expecting a lot more emotions while I felt numb.
Looked like she was born but her mum was yet to come...

That night with a crushed tail bone, burning stitches, a crying and super hungry baby demanding to be fed every half an hour, I vowed to myself that this wont happen again to me. I gazed at the helpless, innocent babe as she suckled, only to realize, there was no escape. Cursing fate for making her girl, I wept imagining the pains she may have to bear.  So there I took my first step towards it. Crying more for what she may have to face and less for what I was facing.

The tiny step taken didn't help much, and there were times plenty where I would look at her and wonder why I did not feel connected. The horrible feeling that perhaps she being there or not would not make much difference to me. More often I would get frustrated. The missing independence and lack of me-time, my lost health and sleep, the constant duty of feeding, changing diaper, the ever worst colic; I was so tired that I did not know what or how to play with her. Everything was duty, work; where was love? The one that I felt for my nieces. Thoughts led to guilty feelings in abundance. Dissatisfaction of not being able to give my 100% and absence of the heavenly feeling of being a mom. It's not like I did not enjoy any part of it. It's enough to just look at the cutiepies with innocent smiles and heartfelt laughter to forget everything. But it lasts only till they again become cranky! I was just caught unprepared and not ready for the 2 hectic years.

Time is a great teacher and healer. It brought in special moments and experiences, to connect us at a level greater than the physical one.
Like the day she had to get her ears pierced, I was so restless and irritable that amma scolded me for being paranoid. Could not imagine she having to go through pain whereas I was totally bold when the same had happened to my nieces. The weakness that being a mom can bring!
Any bad stories on newspaper started bringing a chill down my spine. I feared so much for her safety that I wondered if this horrible world was good enough for her. Now it's possible to relate to my ever anxious mum and friend's mums.

That beautiful moment when she called me "Amma" and the sound was heard not just by my ears. My heart skipped it's beat for the first time in life. 
The days I would cry all the way to office, when she would bid me a goodbye with a silent, defeated smile on her face, knowing that nothing could stop me anyway. No one could see  the sadness, longing, early maturity through that expression of hers except for me. Reading out kids expression comes most naturally for mammas.
The rigorous search for her playschool and none seemed satisfactory, since mums want best for the kids. To mums nothing seems as best as the kid is, and deserves.

Innocently they cling to us thinking we could only be the best for them, just makes us try our best. They teach us our lessons in their own sweet ways. Not to forget the hardest lesson about patience! Even those still make you laugh some point of time later.

She is of the age now, where my memory begins, I am ever so keen to be a part of everything she does. Dress her up, tell her stories, drop her to school and pick her up, be the first one to hear stories from school, take her to park, spend more time, be her friend, relive my childhood, enact my mom :). The list of it just continues and our bond is growing stronger day by day. I can't be the mom for whom child is first and everything else second, but I love motherhood and it is special to me in my own ways. Frustrations still exist in abundance but I have learnt to accept them since they are a part of any relationship.

The day she was born, her mum was born too. 
She is growing up and her mum is growing up too. :)



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