My 2020 Journey

The Real Break

The year 2020 began with me resigning from my full-time IT job. This time it was unexpected, and not easy, but the only way ahead for me. Broadly, the thought was to improve my health and upskill for wider job opportunities or explore alternate careers. Specifically, there was no plan; my leap of faith into hopefully a better future!

The Career Jump to the unknown, March 2020

Covid Lockdown

Within a week of my break, the covid lockdown was imposed. Like many Indian ladies, for the first time, I was without a “Bai”. The day revolved around cooking, household chores, keeping daughter engaged, talking over the phone with other frustrated family members, and resting with hot water packs for the aches and pains. 

Covid Lockdown, March 2020 onwards

My adventure hardly began. Every Indian woman is afraid of taking a career break due to the fear of getting stuck with endless jobs at home. I was living my nightmare in that aspect. Soon enough, I was deep into self-pity and depression. 

Sri Sri, Art of Living

As suggested by my husband, I joined the AOL happiness program and learnt Sudarshan Kriya. Few emotional outbursts, nightmares, and insomniac episodes later, the breathing started showing its magic. It removed a fog from my brain and I snapped out of the miserable state.

Happiness Program, Art of living, June 2020

Mobile photography workshop

With my mind open now, a photography workshop for beginners crossed my way. I have never enjoyed being on whichever side of the camera, but I like to put healthy food pictures on my Insta. Thanks to the workshop, my Insta pictures now look presentable.

Mobile photography workshop during lockdown

Taichi

Meanwhile, my autoimmune pains had been increasing. Even yoga was not able to release the stress and tension I felt on my face. Due to covid, everything was online now. That's how I found a Taichi class and learnt Shibashi. It helps to destress and even improved my yoga, meditation, and pranayama.

Taichi, August 2020

Mom's place

By September, I missed my parents a lot and we went to visit them. As my daughter was having online classes, we stayed there for 2.5 months. It was lovely to connect with parents, celebrate my daughter’s bday together, eat mom's food, relax and read a few books. They also took me to a Sri Sri Naadi doctor whose medicines started reducing my pains. In 2020, Sri Sri played a big role in many of my important milestones.

Mom's tea powder compost, Mysuru, September 2020

Dreaded Covid

We were back home by November. Fully rejuvenated and filled with enthusiasm to work towards my goals. During college days, before exam prep, I always cleaned my room. Similarly, I set out to clean my house. But before that could be wound up, we all contracted covid. 

The next 14 days saw me thinking that it cannot get worse, and watching worse happen. By the end of it, I was humbled and transformed. After going through hardships, we learn to count blessings more. I am now thankful for all that we have.

Balasana

More healthy habits

Since we faced side effects of covid, my healthy food habits went to a new level. The month of December saw me learn chemical-free cookies, wholewheat bread, the addition of millets. Hard work but worth it all. There ended my 2020 with freshly baked homemade Pav and hot spicy bhaji. 

My Insta handle - foodness_fitness_n_blahblah

All's well that ends well

The year 2020 was painfully slow at times and then speeding at breakneck velocity. Nothing short of a roller coaster ride. I did not get back to earning a living, however, life taught me how to live better.

Hoping that humanity gets relief from covid and normalcy returns in 2021!

Tree Pose

They say, the trees in Ashokavan whispered to captive Seetha, "Be calm, Stay Still, This shall pass too"

Kahaani Main Twist!

I came home with a sick feeling in my tummy. It was not because the next day was my last working day at office. It was not because of the farewell treat where I over ate. Just when the final week approached and I was preparing myself for the next step, the unexpected again happened. Just when I thought I knew the direction, again I was at loss, having made to take a quick decision .

Post resignation I kept writing down my thoughts only to realize that part time job is the best for mom and baby/kids. Once at home full time, ladies tend to get immersed in the household chores more than they would want. And reality was I could not simply indulge in my expensive interests all my life unless there was a job to support them.  Hence, I made it clear to the managers that I would be back if they wanted me for half a day. But they again denied due to list of reasons and made me understand how it was not practical. On the last week of serving my notice period, I was sure there is no turning back and was busy making plans for at least one year. I was planning of how I would find that half day, self sustaining job. Job which would give me some income and some time to pursue my passion. How I would try all my interests to see if it could generate income, if not then freelancing options and so on. Just when I was preparing myself for what would be the best or the worst decision I had taken, I was asked by my managers if I was still in for the half day. In spite of the popular belief(supported with reason) that half day would not work out in team/organization like ours, some situation just made them feel like trying out.

The cook who was on 3 months leave had also finally declared that week, that she would not come back. It had unsettled me since that would mean more shortage of time. The half day would be a good transition option where I could focus on getting back my health on track and finding a new cook. Gearing up for what would be next. There was very short time to make the final decision (half an hour) and plus so many had tried so hard, working around with policies, the matter seemed to have been so escalated that in the end I could not even deny. So I gave a thumbs up, on the last but one working day, as an employee of my first company. It was done just because of the situation, but the amount they tried for it, did make me feel good and wanted.

So there I was, a weekend to rest and then a contract employee for a duration of 6 months at half day/half pay. But still something did not seem fine, Was not sure what. One of my friend was laughing at me in office saying my life now really seems like Ekta Kapoor's serials. Every day one new drama."DhaDhun!"

The realization dawned just when I reached home. I needed that vacation but somewhere over quick bargains it got overlooked again. The demand was 6 months break, agreed was 1 month break and what happened was I just got the usual weekend (again due to different situations). I was to report immediately on monday, as the employee of a new company but in the same old team, same old place, doing the same old work. I willingly or unwillingly compromised on that break which I thought was much needed. Perhaps I was again giving in to fears. Something would have worked out even if I had not agreed for the new proposal.

It's was too late to revert, and it felt bad because I felt obliged to agree in the end. This situation made me realize that the second part of a well known quote is true as well. "Naseeb se zyada aur naseeb se kam kisi ko kuch nahi miltha". We will get what we are destined to get even if we try to get rid of it.

At the same time, all this started because a full day job with a kid around suffocated me due to various reasons. Somehow I got what I wanted much more easily than I thought. Though the duration for which it extends is uncertain, it is a lucky chance to find out if a half day job is just what is needed.
Just what a mom needs. Just what one needs to pursue passion. Just what the company needs too.

Six more months to go.

Need to charge up, lots to prove so.

Hope I would give back what I took.

But more important is to retain the new outlook.

Perhaps it's a smooth transition, to make the most.

Ye tho bas shuruaat hai, picture abhi baaki hai mere dost!

photo credit: 2007_03_04_sunrise_33.JPG via photopin (license)

HorrorScope

Ever since Nandini was born, career has always haunted me. Leaving or continuing the job, both seemed like equally bad options. After lot of analysis I realized that perhaps I am not self motivated to be in IT, nor is money leading me to happiness. I needed time(and little money) to pursue my interests. The mistake of looking at others and trying to live my life their ways had caused all this. Somehow the simple realization led me to excitement. One part of me wanted to stay back, since now it was time to give back what I took. Another part of me felt that there was no better time to move out. Before working really becomes a need. I felt like if I resign it's the end of all my miseries. But there were so many mood swings that got my thyroid levels checked, just to be sure. Even that was not enough and I wanted more assurance that I was on the right path. Then I went to the last resort. An indication on whether it would be right to resign at this point in time or not.
Horoscope!

Couple of years ago my parents had themselves gotten a horoscope reading done for me not able to see me in depression of sorts. It was told then that, I had janma shani (whatever it means) and 2015 would bring an end to janma shani. And now it was 2015, plus I also had a very positive feeling of having found the direction in my life. I thought an indication that there is no financial troubles in near future, would add weight to my decision. So my dad requested one of our family friends to see if the horoscope could guide in anyway. He put me on a call with that Uncle so that I could get first hand Info.

Uncle : Don't quit the job. You have shani in ashthama. You will feel all these things. Just don't take any big decision. No matter what you do, you won't get mental peace.
Me : But I am tired and I want to relax.
Uncle : Yes, it is a part of the package. You will feel lethargic, dejected, demotivated and you will not get any support from anyone. Nor in family, nor in office. You have to reach within to solve your problems.
Me : But anyway I am a lady and can afford to stay at home. Or atleast I can try for a sabatical.
Uncle : It is the truth now, two people need to work. Can't help it. Everything is expensive. If you get that sabatical leave, it's good. But don't quit.
Me : What if I quit and try online job options when I want. I wanted to know if we would end up having financial crisis. Is there any indication of the same?
Uncle : No matter what you try, you will not find mental peace in the next two years. Better to face a known devil than something unknown. It does not appear in your horoscope like there would be financial problems anywhere in the near future, but shani can come in any kinds of forms and is unpredictable. So can't be sure. Just have patience and push through this. Shani's bad impact for you is just 20% of what it is for some others.
Me : For 20% I feel like this!? I wonder how it would be for people who have 100%.
Uncle : Yes, it is too bad for some others. Read "Vishnu sahasranama". If you don't have time, then atleast listen to it in office. Do a shani japa homa. You can scrape through this. Things will be fine. End of 2017 will end the shani period for you.
Me (disappointed) : So can I then quit after two years?
Uncle : After two years you will not feel like quitting at all! Your horoscope says you would stay a  working lady for much longer.

It was not just an astrology reading but an advice from a well wisher too. It is lucky to have such people around you. I spoke about the same to many people. All kept telling me importance of money and gave me valuable advice. And I too agree that it is important, can't deny it. Just that, forgetting to live in present due to fear was not acceptable anymore. The advice from uncle again made me re-analyse the decision.

There were two things.
1> This entire horoscope thing could be wrong. In that case, I was just being stupid wasting every one's time by seeking for the information. I could trust my instincts and go forward and quit.
2> If everything is correct, then pushing though two years would ensure long relation with IT. Just thinking of the same I felt scared. I always wanted to quit once Nandini is 6 years or so and pursue hobbies and interests. Perhaps, if I continue for two more years, all those hopes would vanish and I would only be left with the "What Ifs".
Now if like what the horoscope says, I would work for quite long, then quitting may perhaps open up alternate means of career. So it's a win win situation.

A day later, I got inputs from my mom saying 2017 end, my husband's shani would start and stay for 7 years. Just when I thought it would be over and we would live happily ever after!

Believing in these is secondary, but the embedded truth is that life will always have troubles and challenges. Moreover, as soon as one feels settled, an unsettled feeling starts. It's like day and night.

The horoscope reading helped me in a way different than I was hoping for. I am aware that I should expect the unexpected! I am constantly reminding myself that as long as we are alive, we have to keep kicking. There is no escape! "Horrorscopes" show the same too, directly or indirectly.

https://pixabay.com/en/horoscope-sign-zodiac-96309/

Someday

I think I would write a letter to Mr. Modi
To mention how important part time job, is for a lady.
I hope there would be an impact, leading to things more steady.
To make it easier for my daughter when she is ready.

Then I resist myself, it's not the time right.
I need to learn the rules to write.
I lack the facts to power my insight.

But I hope someday people will realize that everything is equal, lacking just the synergy,
The tamed, disciplined mind and the raw, untouched energy.
Someday we will know that negative and positive were once just the same,
how they split and why the difference came.

Then there will be 'that' someday when both will suddenly merge.
Perhaps that day, the big bang theory would reverse.
Every element fusing to a point tending to inifinity.
Clearing up the mess as mentioned in the book, "God's Debris".
Tough to imagine that as the end of the journey,
When time is right, there would be the split again, creating you and me.

But someday light would combine with the dark,
and everything would be how it should be.
Someday the opposites would peacefully unite, creating a new history.
That someday! We would all really be free.

For now, I hope we all blend.
Following the voice and setting a new trend.
Surely someday I won't be me and you wont be different.
Someday, and 'Someday' it surely would be.


photo credit: Neutron Stars Rip Each Other Apart to Form Black Hole via photopin (license)

Other Side of the Mountain

One of the nursery rhymes that me and my daughter watch have the following lyrics :

The bear went over the mountain

The bear went over the mountain

The bear went over the mountain

To see what he could see

And all that he could see

And all that he could see

Was the other side of the mountain

The other side of the mountain

The other side of the mountain

Was all that he could see.

That's all I am off to see perhaps.

This whole act of resignation to try something else feels like that. It's like getting out of one web to be caught in another.

 I hope the journey would be worth.

Serendipity

It was not just another day when I sent an IM to a friend group in my office :
Me : T?
Friend 1:  :-o !
Friend 2 : After more than an year!!!
Friend 3 : In!

Birds of the same feather flock together.
I joined the company as a campus recruit and a month training was conducted for all of us. Post the training sessions, everyone would split up into different groups and some remained loners. I found my comfort in a group which we later named as "T-Group". We were fun-loving people, each one introvert in their own ways. None would go out of their way to be a showstopper or show-stealer in the stage of life. Either on stage or in the audience, we would still not like to miss the show and the fun. There was also a mixture of modern ideas and traditional values which suited all of us.
Eight years back, we were more than ten members, now reduced to just four. The diversity of topics and the fun element in them had also reduced, partly because of the reduction in number and partly because most were caught in the web of marriage. Perhaps it was lack of interesting topics, or excess work, or both, we started meeting very less off late.

After grabbing the tea, milkshakes, namkeen, we started towards the seating area. I scanned for the most isolated place and led everyone to the same. We reached the rear end of the cafe. As we pulled out the chairs to sit, Anirudh asked, "Did you want to watch the lake today?" The question made me nostalgic. 

The first time that we were led to this part of the rooftop cafe, was by Mani, 'x' T- Group member. A hopeless romantic, he was going on describing the beauty of the entire place. "When I come here, I feel so nice, this wind through my hair, this blue lake and greenery around, this scenery, this......" 
My eyes quickly scanned the entire place and found one man sitting on the edge of the lake, defecating! I agree today, Modiji is right! Toilets first! "See there!" I said, pointing at the man. 
"Uhhh!" Mani said distorting his face in disgust. He turned away and scolded me while walking in the other direction, "You know, you are that person! That person, who can find the tiniest dot in a big white sheet!". I laughed a content devilish laughter, the sweet victory of breaking his happy trance. The comment was first of it's kind though and made me ponder for years to come.


Snapping into present, I kept looking back for the last person to join us. There was something important to tell today. A secret!  I am good at keeping them, provided the reasons are good enough.

A month prior to this rendezvous, I had desired for a solo trip to a nature spot with nobody I knew, around. It was to stop all the thoughts or get lost in my thoughts. It was a thumbs up from my husband's side, but I chickened out of it, fearing the risks. Couple of weeks later I went down with dengue.  I got what I wanted in a strange way. Five days in the hospital bed, staring at ceiling and staring at the wall. I still wanted to be alone and did not want absolutely anyone to visit me. I was tired mentally, physically and emotionally. My husband was around, as always silent, calm and at peace. He complements me so well that sometimes I cannot distinguish me from him. And this was such a time. 

After years, my "Me Time" which was about being all alone was gifted to me. It was not in the way I wanted or would have liked but still I thank god for giving it to me. So all those who did not visit or could not visit, I am happy since it increased my "Me time". 
But yet some did visit me and thanks for the same. Out of courtesy, out of concern, out of curiosity, out of love, whichever was the case, some came. Other than relatives, the only visitors that I had were from the "T group". Was it just a mere co-incidence or a sign?

This group which had seen the downsides of me. The group which had beared my emotional turmoils. Some who had patiently listened to the same topics and complaints over and over again and yet continued to be with me. Some who had asked me to shut up and not whine. Some who had given me, "I too understand" dialogues and quoted supporting examples which made me realize they did not understand at all. And one who liked me enough to tell, "You seemed like the first half of 'Jab we met' movie when you joined, now it looks like the second half!" Though an exaggeration, it kept reminding me all these years, how I was deviating from my true self.

When you are happy it is easy to have friends around, 
But it is a blessing to find a shoulder to cry when down. 

I did not want to burden them with a secret. But if this small secret could be a burden, then what I had been doing to them all these years would be an offense. It was not fair and not worth keeping this secret from them.


The other two had happy faces at having met after so long and we were chit chatting. I turned back impatiently, one last time, she was either late or not going to make it. I had anyway told her during lunch, so just decided to go ahead. "Actually, I called you people to tell something important," I said.
"Don't tell me you have put your paper!" Harish said without a moments delay.
 "Oh my god! Bull's eye! How did you guess it? Or is the news already making the rounds?" I asked.
He looked totally shocked and said, "What? You are joking right? I don't know! I said simply! You are lying! It can't be!"
"I put it three weeks back." I said with a slight guilt.
"And you are telling now? The moment people come out, they are so happy that they start announcing!" said Harish.

A week before dengue fever, my manager called me to the meeting room. "I request you to keep this confidential. People just go on announcing it like an achievement. I don't like it! And then it is spread across. That is not the way it should be. People will know when it is time to know! I know that you are not like that. You are sensible and I trust you to keep this entire thing confidential till the time is right." he said. A person with a big heart, but at the same time knows what words to be used with which person. It was not my sense of duty, ethics, the rights and wrongs or the trust he credited me with, which agreed to him. Symptomatic treatments do not solve any issues. My stubborn 12 year old acne problem is a reminder of that. But my respect and gratitude for him made me nod my head in agreement.

"But just like that, why did you do it?" the manager asked curiously. I shook my head not sure if I should even reveal, it still sounded so silly and embarrassing. Or maybe, he just wanted to suggest more solutions to continue as in the beginning I was hoping to work it out somehow. Asking for half day options, sabatical options and what not.
"It's Ok, I am happy with the decision. It's a happy one! Really!", I said feeling  content and relaxed already. 
"Yes, but what next?" he asked really wanting to know. 
I gave up and said, "I want to dance! I just want to be able to dance!"
He did a good job of not showing any emotion other than digesting the information. "You mean, you want to teach dancing? As a profession?" he asked. 
"I don't know. I want to get rid of my back pain. Get my health back and be able to dance! Or maybe I will learn and take up yoga as profession" I said recollecting how my parents asked me, when I was four, if I would join my sister in her dance class. I said "Girls dance, not me!", like I was not one, "I will exercise."
He could connect to some extent and started telling, "I understand too. I have already started taking music classes in the weekends.....". 
Not sure what he said next, an impatient listener, I cut him short,"At least you have learnt music! You have an edge." 
Finally, the expression nearing disbelief was on his face, "What? Have you never learnt dancing?"
I shook my head in a big no and said, "I dunno, it's really wierd. During final year of B.E, I participated in one dance. I felt like this is what I was born to do. It's just wierd! " 

It was the final semester of engineering, when I finally took part in a dance, believing then, that it would be my last dance performance on stage. They say if you do something in excess, it starts losing the taste. I too wanted to satisfy my lifetime's desire to perform on stage, in that one last dance. The music began and I twirled and faced the audience, me in the coloured light, them in darkness, every part of me alive and at it's best! It had to be, it was the last time. At that point in the stage, there was 'the moment' where one second seemed to extend into a minute. That voice, that silent me, telling me that this is what I was born for.

My manager said, "It happens! It happens 'all' the time!"
Was it agreement on his face or pity for where I was leading myself to? Did he mean that 'all' get such feelings but life has to go on? Was it a comment in sync with the dialogue he said few days back, "Jo haath main hai vo mitti, jo kho gaya voh sona."?
Barring the thoughts, I continued trying not to be overwhelmed, "This was the right thing to do. I am at peace with whatever has happened in my life so far because I could take this decision. There were times when I thought it was unfair that I am a women, that I should have been a man. Today I am happy about it, since it allowed me to take such a decision more easily. The day I resigned, blames and regrets left me. Everything that ever happened seems fine now."
His expression changed when I mentioned about the regret of not being a man. Could not read it, but father of two daughters, the sentence could have had a meaning for him. But he now seemed to have gotten the hang of what I was going through and wished me luck and we got back to work. Me agreeing to respect his wish though not really agreeing with him.


After justifying the need to keep the entire thing secret, adding the "Don't tell anyone" dialogue, I said,"I am just going for a break. Dunno what next as of now."
"Many want to take this decision but are not able to. It's really great that you could take it!" Harish said with admiration.
"Are you saying that?" I asked in disbelief. Whenever I would speak to him about this topic he was always of the opinion that it is good if women work. He is never short of admiring his working mum's contribution to the family.
"You know, my wife also says the same thing. Once we have a baby she will not work it seems. She would not want to leave the baby." Anirudh said, happy to have arrived to the conclusion that perhaps all women think same.
"Aaah! People will say that but thoughts may change later", quipped Madhu who joined in soon after the news sank.
"I am not doing this for Nandini!  She may benefit from it and she is the main factor leading me to this. This is perhaps right time. Now that she has joined school, I would find time to work out an alternate way. I want to do something else." I said begging to differ. But truly, my daughter brought purpose in my life and also inspires me to keep going on.
"Ya ladies have so many options you know. My friend's wife is doing some craft work kind of thing at home",  Anirudh said.
"Ya I am thinking of Yoga, dance or perhaps B.A. in literature. Something I wanted to do even the time I met Vasu. I am going happily mad since so many options have opened up, now that I have resigned. I am so relieved," I said. Six and a half years back my beloved husband, then fiance, triggered me out of a 23 year old writer's block as we kept writing Shayaris to each other. That time I never found enough courage to quit though I desperately wanted to. Mommies are braver!
"Ya, it's nice. We also wish we had such an option." said Anirudh with a smile which showed that men were trapped too. 

The last two and half years had been very stressful for the entire family. I chose to work for the financial aspect but always wished it was a four hours job. I was too tired but pushed myself knowing that it would be same if I stay at home too. Many times I would complain to all about my stress levels, hoping for either more help or motivation or an ego boost. But they were equally or more tired. All I would get back, was the dialogue to quit working if I wanted to. I craved for that important place in the family, the role of aiding the bread earner which I did not feel I got. And in the end, none of us were happy even if money flowed in. Each thinking that they are doing a favor to the other and each more stressed than the other. After a big argument with family members I finally confronted my husband, "Why would you not admit that I do make a difference financially for the family?". He said, "You are making it and I can't deny that, but I can't afford to go to the comfort zone of thinking you would always work!" Everybody has a valid point and if we think enough everybody seems to be right in their own ways. What I was looking for, was a push, but now I realize, I have something better! Freedom!


Today I did not have a counter reply for Anirudh. It was perhaps my turn to make guys jealous. Instead of cribbing about what is not right, instead of hoping for more support, instead of going by the book, instead of blame games and regrets, I was making the best of what was available and given to me in this life. Most importantly, I was finally listening to my intuitions.

I still want to earn but me first and then money. I will get no more or no less than what was destined, directly or indirectly. 
I still want to do my part for the family but me first and then relationships. If I am not fine then no relationship will be. 
I still have lot of dreams but happiness first and then dreams. Dream itself is in the hope of finding happiness at the end of it. 
I am off to check all the theories, put them to practice and it will be tough to do so. I may end up as a homemaker, or back in IT, or something else.Whichever keeps me self motivated. Time will tell what is to happen.

I read a quote few days ago: "Someday, everything will make perfect sense."

Looking back, all the random activities in life seem to follow a pattern. Right from health, family, friends, job, conversations, opportunities, nature, to the mundane day to day activities, all seem to be speaking a language of their own. If one cares to listen, pieces of the jigsaw puzzle start falling into place. What seemed like holes once, may start appearing like bridges.


Carved was a path obvious, but you had other plans.
Sweet Serendipity! You are not just a mere chance.

Ignoring caused torment, created an unbearable noise.
Hence, giving up on reason, surrendering to the inner voice,
Knowing that you would step in again, 
when it is not the best choice.

Name of this Blog

"You know what your problem is? You are a perfectionist! You are not able to handle it, when you don't hit the target, right at bulls eye!". These were the lines my manager told me patiently, at the end of a super heated argument, which I lost in tears.

Later that night, looking at the dry, flaky skin which had not tasted moisturizer since an year, gazing at the ever increasing pile of unwashed clothes, recollecting how I skipped baby's vitamin doze that night since I was too tired, I wondered if I really was a perfectionist. Are they not the ones who are perfect? I was far from anything near perfection.

As I pondered on this subject, I realized that I do seek perfection in things that mean a lot to me. And on top of it, if I thought something should happen certain way and at a certain time, then it just had to, else I would get frustrated. "Mission Failed!". I would not mind leaving something incomplete because it did not go as per plan.
I think perfectionists are people who seek perfection and not perfect people. Perfectionist  also keep finding flaw in everything. It's because as they improve on things, they observe scope for more improvement. Everybody would be perfectionist in some or the other aspect in life. It's a worthy quality depending on how it is used.

The lines by my manager also opened my eyes to my problems. I had set my targets looking at success definitions around me, ignoring what I really wanted. I thought it was success to have financial stability, relationships with people of same wavelength, a routine and disciplined life without unknowns etc. As I would work on them, either I would not be able to meet them or the targets would move ahead as soon as they seemed easy. There was no end. My targets also depended highly on external factors and luck, not everything can be controlled. Nothing will ever be ideal unless you think that everything is ideal. But it is tough to be fooled into such a belief.

I had been stressed up for quite sometime, had even plunged into spiritual reading (in limited available time), but did not know what exactly was the cause of trouble.  Finally, on knowing the issue, direction became clear. Any strong quality in you, can either be your weakness or your strength depending on how you decide to use it. The so called "perfectionist" is here to stay, time to change the target.  Now on my goal would be "happiness and inner peace". If I fret on not achieving it, then I move further away. So in no case can I brood over regrets or disappointments since it is against my aim.  After almost 7 years, I finally found the courage to listen to my intuition. I made up my mind and resigned that night. Success will not be about following the general success trends anymore. My definition of success today, is being happy and doing what makes me so, without waiting for the ideal time or situation.

It is going to take practice and has to be built up in coming days and years but I already feel content. The name of this blog also reflects an aspect of the recent insight. 
At peace, knowing that nothing is flawless like I would like them to be. 
Yet close to my heart just like the imperfect me. 

P.S - ImperfectMom was already taken away, making the name slightly less perfect than I would have liked. ;):p