The language of silence

It was just another evening in the park. My lazy daughter was happily sitting on her favorite merry go round while I was simply pushing it, subduing the urge to run around and play.
A cry made me turn behind. It was a baby lying flat on her tummy, fallen while trying to cross the single layered brick border surrounding the park. Her family members were right behind, letting her learn her lessons through falls.

As I was making a note on how I should also let my daughter loose more often, a beautiful scene caught my eyes. A man and a woman of the family who had just entered the park, were now standing side by side and holding hands. They had their backs to me, yet the language without words was speaking for itself. There was an unmistakable air of comfort, admiration and affection. The dusk was adding to the glowing love and the cool breeze was carrying it to me, carrying it to places distant. I relished this serene moment for as long as I could.

Then the baby came running towards us, followed by her dad. The dad made her sit in the merry go round but she would not lift her legs up. She was trying to push it herself. Her father kept saying something which just fell deaf to her ears. The grandpa then made his way towards us to rescue the dad. He said the magic word, "basa!" and the baby immediately settled down. Grandparents and the kids somehow plot together to make the parents feel incapable and dumb.

The grandpa was a man in 60s wearing an off white shirt with small red flowers. He looked at me intently and asked, "Don't you use aloe vera? For your pimples?". 

"No!", I said without even thinking since the unexpected question made me too conscious. Then I remembered how that was also one of the things I had tried long back. I resisted back my temptation to tell the same and story of all the things that I had tried. Not today! Today I wanted to be an observer. I shook my head with an expression of having given up on it and waited for him to continue.

"It is very good. Acne gets cured. Do try!" he said.

I smiled and nodded my head in agreement.

"That is my girl! My daughter!", he pointed out proudly to the lady, now sitting on a park bench nearby. The lady, whose hands he was lovingly holding a while ago.
"Hehehehe!", I giggled amused at his enthusiasm and youthfulness. "I made out", I said, recollecting their sweet moment a while ago, which did not escape my eyes. I then looked at the daughter who smiled back. Probably he told it to to make me realize that he had a daughter of my age and hence the concern and knowledge.

He seemed a bit puzzled with my laugh but continued, "This is my girl's girl!". I smiled and nodded my head, not telling him this time that it was obvious. Perhaps it was now this uncle's turn to cover up his awkwardness at my unexpected reactions. He continued. Pointing at the baby's dad, he said, "This is, in law, my son! My son in law!" Happily nodding my head again I looked at the son in law to finish the formality of the introduction. Could it be that the son in law was embarrassed with his father in law's silly explanations or was he really busy managing his daughter on the merry go round? He did not look up to meet my eyes.

The young old man continued looking at me, thinking what to tell next. I decided to finally take a lead. Was it just him, or was it the love he showered on the little princess in his life, which made him such an adorable person. Or was there something else too? So much youth, friendliness and freshness radiating out of him. Could it be the effect of the place he was from too? "Basa" sounded like Marathi.
"Where are you from?",  I asked.

"Goa!", said he, making me dreamy again. That was the place I had never been to. The place which reminds one of freshness and youthfulness. The place where everything seems to be merry. The place where perhaps people never grew old just like the one in front of me.

After a few minutes the son and father, both by law, were led to the slides by the baby. Very soon I coaxed my daughter out of the merry go round so that other kids get their turn. As she ran towards the other play items in park, I turned behind to finish my unspoken conversation with the daughter if she was still sitting on the bench. Co-incidentally she too was looking at me. I smiled at her trying to convey something through my eyes. She immediately smiled back as though she understood but within moments it faded to be replaced by a strange melancholy. I meant to tell her that I found her dad admirably cute like my dad. Perhaps she understood my sign and perhaps I too understood the void.

I walked away with a contentment, imagining that amidst all the noise and cheer, we silently shared more than just a smile.

Serendipity

It was not just another day when I sent an IM to a friend group in my office :
Me : T?
Friend 1:  :-o !
Friend 2 : After more than an year!!!
Friend 3 : In!

Birds of the same feather flock together.
I joined the company as a campus recruit and a month training was conducted for all of us. Post the training sessions, everyone would split up into different groups and some remained loners. I found my comfort in a group which we later named as "T-Group". We were fun-loving people, each one introvert in their own ways. None would go out of their way to be a showstopper or show-stealer in the stage of life. Either on stage or in the audience, we would still not like to miss the show and the fun. There was also a mixture of modern ideas and traditional values which suited all of us.
Eight years back, we were more than ten members, now reduced to just four. The diversity of topics and the fun element in them had also reduced, partly because of the reduction in number and partly because most were caught in the web of marriage. Perhaps it was lack of interesting topics, or excess work, or both, we started meeting very less off late.

After grabbing the tea, milkshakes, namkeen, we started towards the seating area. I scanned for the most isolated place and led everyone to the same. We reached the rear end of the cafe. As we pulled out the chairs to sit, Anirudh asked, "Did you want to watch the lake today?" The question made me nostalgic. 

The first time that we were led to this part of the rooftop cafe, was by Mani, 'x' T- Group member. A hopeless romantic, he was going on describing the beauty of the entire place. "When I come here, I feel so nice, this wind through my hair, this blue lake and greenery around, this scenery, this......" 
My eyes quickly scanned the entire place and found one man sitting on the edge of the lake, defecating! I agree today, Modiji is right! Toilets first! "See there!" I said, pointing at the man. 
"Uhhh!" Mani said distorting his face in disgust. He turned away and scolded me while walking in the other direction, "You know, you are that person! That person, who can find the tiniest dot in a big white sheet!". I laughed a content devilish laughter, the sweet victory of breaking his happy trance. The comment was first of it's kind though and made me ponder for years to come.


Snapping into present, I kept looking back for the last person to join us. There was something important to tell today. A secret!  I am good at keeping them, provided the reasons are good enough.

A month prior to this rendezvous, I had desired for a solo trip to a nature spot with nobody I knew, around. It was to stop all the thoughts or get lost in my thoughts. It was a thumbs up from my husband's side, but I chickened out of it, fearing the risks. Couple of weeks later I went down with dengue.  I got what I wanted in a strange way. Five days in the hospital bed, staring at ceiling and staring at the wall. I still wanted to be alone and did not want absolutely anyone to visit me. I was tired mentally, physically and emotionally. My husband was around, as always silent, calm and at peace. He complements me so well that sometimes I cannot distinguish me from him. And this was such a time. 

After years, my "Me Time" which was about being all alone was gifted to me. It was not in the way I wanted or would have liked but still I thank god for giving it to me. So all those who did not visit or could not visit, I am happy since it increased my "Me time". 
But yet some did visit me and thanks for the same. Out of courtesy, out of concern, out of curiosity, out of love, whichever was the case, some came. Other than relatives, the only visitors that I had were from the "T group". Was it just a mere co-incidence or a sign?

This group which had seen the downsides of me. The group which had beared my emotional turmoils. Some who had patiently listened to the same topics and complaints over and over again and yet continued to be with me. Some who had asked me to shut up and not whine. Some who had given me, "I too understand" dialogues and quoted supporting examples which made me realize they did not understand at all. And one who liked me enough to tell, "You seemed like the first half of 'Jab we met' movie when you joined, now it looks like the second half!" Though an exaggeration, it kept reminding me all these years, how I was deviating from my true self.

When you are happy it is easy to have friends around, 
But it is a blessing to find a shoulder to cry when down. 

I did not want to burden them with a secret. But if this small secret could be a burden, then what I had been doing to them all these years would be an offense. It was not fair and not worth keeping this secret from them.


The other two had happy faces at having met after so long and we were chit chatting. I turned back impatiently, one last time, she was either late or not going to make it. I had anyway told her during lunch, so just decided to go ahead. "Actually, I called you people to tell something important," I said.
"Don't tell me you have put your paper!" Harish said without a moments delay.
 "Oh my god! Bull's eye! How did you guess it? Or is the news already making the rounds?" I asked.
He looked totally shocked and said, "What? You are joking right? I don't know! I said simply! You are lying! It can't be!"
"I put it three weeks back." I said with a slight guilt.
"And you are telling now? The moment people come out, they are so happy that they start announcing!" said Harish.

A week before dengue fever, my manager called me to the meeting room. "I request you to keep this confidential. People just go on announcing it like an achievement. I don't like it! And then it is spread across. That is not the way it should be. People will know when it is time to know! I know that you are not like that. You are sensible and I trust you to keep this entire thing confidential till the time is right." he said. A person with a big heart, but at the same time knows what words to be used with which person. It was not my sense of duty, ethics, the rights and wrongs or the trust he credited me with, which agreed to him. Symptomatic treatments do not solve any issues. My stubborn 12 year old acne problem is a reminder of that. But my respect and gratitude for him made me nod my head in agreement.

"But just like that, why did you do it?" the manager asked curiously. I shook my head not sure if I should even reveal, it still sounded so silly and embarrassing. Or maybe, he just wanted to suggest more solutions to continue as in the beginning I was hoping to work it out somehow. Asking for half day options, sabatical options and what not.
"It's Ok, I am happy with the decision. It's a happy one! Really!", I said feeling  content and relaxed already. 
"Yes, but what next?" he asked really wanting to know. 
I gave up and said, "I want to dance! I just want to be able to dance!"
He did a good job of not showing any emotion other than digesting the information. "You mean, you want to teach dancing? As a profession?" he asked. 
"I don't know. I want to get rid of my back pain. Get my health back and be able to dance! Or maybe I will learn and take up yoga as profession" I said recollecting how my parents asked me, when I was four, if I would join my sister in her dance class. I said "Girls dance, not me!", like I was not one, "I will exercise."
He could connect to some extent and started telling, "I understand too. I have already started taking music classes in the weekends.....". 
Not sure what he said next, an impatient listener, I cut him short,"At least you have learnt music! You have an edge." 
Finally, the expression nearing disbelief was on his face, "What? Have you never learnt dancing?"
I shook my head in a big no and said, "I dunno, it's really wierd. During final year of B.E, I participated in one dance. I felt like this is what I was born to do. It's just wierd! " 

It was the final semester of engineering, when I finally took part in a dance, believing then, that it would be my last dance performance on stage. They say if you do something in excess, it starts losing the taste. I too wanted to satisfy my lifetime's desire to perform on stage, in that one last dance. The music began and I twirled and faced the audience, me in the coloured light, them in darkness, every part of me alive and at it's best! It had to be, it was the last time. At that point in the stage, there was 'the moment' where one second seemed to extend into a minute. That voice, that silent me, telling me that this is what I was born for.

My manager said, "It happens! It happens 'all' the time!"
Was it agreement on his face or pity for where I was leading myself to? Did he mean that 'all' get such feelings but life has to go on? Was it a comment in sync with the dialogue he said few days back, "Jo haath main hai vo mitti, jo kho gaya voh sona."?
Barring the thoughts, I continued trying not to be overwhelmed, "This was the right thing to do. I am at peace with whatever has happened in my life so far because I could take this decision. There were times when I thought it was unfair that I am a women, that I should have been a man. Today I am happy about it, since it allowed me to take such a decision more easily. The day I resigned, blames and regrets left me. Everything that ever happened seems fine now."
His expression changed when I mentioned about the regret of not being a man. Could not read it, but father of two daughters, the sentence could have had a meaning for him. But he now seemed to have gotten the hang of what I was going through and wished me luck and we got back to work. Me agreeing to respect his wish though not really agreeing with him.


After justifying the need to keep the entire thing secret, adding the "Don't tell anyone" dialogue, I said,"I am just going for a break. Dunno what next as of now."
"Many want to take this decision but are not able to. It's really great that you could take it!" Harish said with admiration.
"Are you saying that?" I asked in disbelief. Whenever I would speak to him about this topic he was always of the opinion that it is good if women work. He is never short of admiring his working mum's contribution to the family.
"You know, my wife also says the same thing. Once we have a baby she will not work it seems. She would not want to leave the baby." Anirudh said, happy to have arrived to the conclusion that perhaps all women think same.
"Aaah! People will say that but thoughts may change later", quipped Madhu who joined in soon after the news sank.
"I am not doing this for Nandini!  She may benefit from it and she is the main factor leading me to this. This is perhaps right time. Now that she has joined school, I would find time to work out an alternate way. I want to do something else." I said begging to differ. But truly, my daughter brought purpose in my life and also inspires me to keep going on.
"Ya ladies have so many options you know. My friend's wife is doing some craft work kind of thing at home",  Anirudh said.
"Ya I am thinking of Yoga, dance or perhaps B.A. in literature. Something I wanted to do even the time I met Vasu. I am going happily mad since so many options have opened up, now that I have resigned. I am so relieved," I said. Six and a half years back my beloved husband, then fiance, triggered me out of a 23 year old writer's block as we kept writing Shayaris to each other. That time I never found enough courage to quit though I desperately wanted to. Mommies are braver!
"Ya, it's nice. We also wish we had such an option." said Anirudh with a smile which showed that men were trapped too. 

The last two and half years had been very stressful for the entire family. I chose to work for the financial aspect but always wished it was a four hours job. I was too tired but pushed myself knowing that it would be same if I stay at home too. Many times I would complain to all about my stress levels, hoping for either more help or motivation or an ego boost. But they were equally or more tired. All I would get back, was the dialogue to quit working if I wanted to. I craved for that important place in the family, the role of aiding the bread earner which I did not feel I got. And in the end, none of us were happy even if money flowed in. Each thinking that they are doing a favor to the other and each more stressed than the other. After a big argument with family members I finally confronted my husband, "Why would you not admit that I do make a difference financially for the family?". He said, "You are making it and I can't deny that, but I can't afford to go to the comfort zone of thinking you would always work!" Everybody has a valid point and if we think enough everybody seems to be right in their own ways. What I was looking for, was a push, but now I realize, I have something better! Freedom!


Today I did not have a counter reply for Anirudh. It was perhaps my turn to make guys jealous. Instead of cribbing about what is not right, instead of hoping for more support, instead of going by the book, instead of blame games and regrets, I was making the best of what was available and given to me in this life. Most importantly, I was finally listening to my intuitions.

I still want to earn but me first and then money. I will get no more or no less than what was destined, directly or indirectly. 
I still want to do my part for the family but me first and then relationships. If I am not fine then no relationship will be. 
I still have lot of dreams but happiness first and then dreams. Dream itself is in the hope of finding happiness at the end of it. 
I am off to check all the theories, put them to practice and it will be tough to do so. I may end up as a homemaker, or back in IT, or something else.Whichever keeps me self motivated. Time will tell what is to happen.

I read a quote few days ago: "Someday, everything will make perfect sense."

Looking back, all the random activities in life seem to follow a pattern. Right from health, family, friends, job, conversations, opportunities, nature, to the mundane day to day activities, all seem to be speaking a language of their own. If one cares to listen, pieces of the jigsaw puzzle start falling into place. What seemed like holes once, may start appearing like bridges.


Carved was a path obvious, but you had other plans.
Sweet Serendipity! You are not just a mere chance.

Ignoring caused torment, created an unbearable noise.
Hence, giving up on reason, surrendering to the inner voice,
Knowing that you would step in again, 
when it is not the best choice.

The Sweetest Of All

"Amma Amma! Odopo!", said Nandini, bringing a book she was gifted by a relative the previous day. The new book was, "Grandpa's stories", Volume 1 by Navneet Publications.
I gave her some other books asking her to see the pictures so that I could read the new book myself first. Every minute she would close a book and impatiently tell me, "Ee book soothu aanu!" . I kept passing her different books till I finished reading this one. The book had stories of wit and humour and my 3 year old was too young to understand most.Nevertheless, had to translate the stories to her since she would not agree otherwise. 

It was a struggle to make her understand meaning of words like, "Earth", "Stingy", "fools" etc. Either the stories would be modified or some parts would be  skipped for simplicity sake. Worst were the humorous Nasruddin Mulla stories. She would stare blankly at the end of it and not get the joke. After every story, I would say that it's enough but she would insist and we continued our sense and non-sense time.

Then came the 5th story, "The Sweetest of All". The story goes like this in brief :
A scholar from neighboring country came to king Bhoja's court. He asked a question which no one had so far answered to the scholar's satisfaction. The question being, "What is the sweetest thing on earth?"
All the pundits in court, thought it was a simple question, and gave different answers. Love, Selfishness, Good sleep, Respect, Success, being some of the answers. None satisfied the scholar. Then Kalidasa stepped in and gave an answer which  made the scholar happy.
Below is the reply as given in the book:
"Your majesty! Need is the sweetest of all. Nothing seems sweet unless and until one needs it. If you are not hungry, you do not need food, hence it does not taste sweet. If you don't need someone to be near you, his love will no longer seem sweet to you. Similarly if you do not need to be selfish, selfishness will not be sweet and when you wake up after a peaceful sleep, even sleep will not be sweet to you. Those who see no difference between respect and insult, will not appreciate respect. The people who live in forest do not find fame to be sweet, because they do not need fame. Thus, need is the sweetest of all. Nothing is sweet unless and until one really needs it."

I could not help but appreciate that today this answer was not just a theory to me. At the same time, I was struggling to explain this concept of  "need" to Nandini along with all the other new words. She was quiet and I could not make out if her mind had wandered or was she really listening. I was curious to know whether she understood anything at all. Had to put her to test! Holding her chin, I moved her face towards me. As soon as her big wide eyes caught mine, I asked, "Manthethla sweet jaado?" [What is the sweetest of all?]. Without missing a moment, like an obedient student, she replied , "Soan Papadi!!".




Translations :
"Amma Amma! Odopo!" - "Mother! Mother! Make me read!"
"Ee book soothu aanu!" - "I finished seeing this book!"


https://pixabay.com/en/swing-park-childhood-nostalgia-1279515/

Choosing the Doctor

Date : Around 22-Jan-2012

"It's positive! Congrats!", said the doctor. 
"Are you sure? I am ahead by just 5 days!", I said in disbelief. It was not even 20 days since we decided to have the baby. 
As I would tell my husband, "So far our company was services based, time to start our  product!" :p.  
"Yes, almost sure. Get a lab test done after a week and come back to me.", said the doctor.

Lab test confirmed the same and before I could go to the doc again, my parents rushed and came to Bangalore, totally excited to meet me. 

This time I went to her with my husband.

Doc: "Take these tablets, morning 1 each and night 1 each. Both after meals."

Me (suspiciously): "The other tablet looks like hormone tablet. Why do I need it? There is no complication yet."

Doc : "Yes but these days all women need it."

Me (uncomfortable and thinking) : "Maybe I need to change this doc."

Doc : "Don't walk too much, don't travel by bus, don't travel by 2-wheeler, don't travel by auto for couple of months, don't climb stairs...don't...blah blah blah..don't...blah blah blah..don't...blah blah blah.",

Me (freaking out  and thinking) : "Helloo! How do I go to office then?!!" :o

The way the doc spoke, it looked like any slight disturbance and I would lose the baby. Delicate and careful is something that does not come even with practice to me. Felt like I would have to clip out my wings for next 8 months. I reached home with a brave face only to flood the living room with tears. Mum as usual said, "Inkulu mantha eethu late baale ampuna, aike incha aapuna." (You all plan for kids so late, that's why all these problems). I wondered if she was right. But at 26 I was losing my calm over nothing, it would have been worse if it was even before.

Next day we both rushed to another doctor.

Doc : " You have these Folic acid tablets for now."

Me (thinking) : "No hormone tablets. She is good perhaps!"

Doc : "Don't start any new physical activity/exercise. Other than that, you can continue with whatever you have been doing so far. "
Me (relieved) : "Phew!"
Doc : "You can drive 2 wheeler and go to office. I drove till 7 months!"
Me (excited and thinking) : "Wow! She is cool too!"
Doc (looking at my husband with lot of concern) : "You  both can continue having sex too."
Both of us (uncomfortably changing position in the seat, wondering where to focus our eyes and thinking): "Did she really say that now?" (Blush! Blush!)

Nausea never allowed me to ride my 2 wheeler to office the entire time but I chose my doctor :). 
Regarding the last suggestion, you can keep guessing ;).

Birth of baby! Birth of mum?

The nurse devotedly uttered the encouraging words "banthu banthu banthu...", as I gathered all the energy I could, for the final push. I watched it's thick black hair and tiny little butt, as the nurse frantically stopped in midway, it's cool dive into the real world. 
When I look back I remember the funny labour scene of the movie, "Big Fish". The rosy baby who literally seemed to have jumped out a couple of minutes ago was brought near me. Alone for the first time, she looked sad and puzzled. With her lip inverted, her accusing eye looked into mine. Till today I am unable to decipher that expression. Perhaps she wanted to be pacified or perhaps was out of her comfort zone. Just scared of the strange sights that she saw and the strange environment, scared of the strange me.
Detesting changes is natural. It starts right from the moment of birth.

Can't recollect if I saw the face first or saw "her" first, and there was a tinge of disappointment in me. We are a family of girls and hence myself and some were hoping for a change this time. Boy babies and boy kids remain a mystery. 
Sometimes fate has a way of giving us what we need rather than what we want.

The first glimpse of the baby is what every mum awaits apprehensively for 9 months. I had assumed this would be a blissful moment with happy tears. The times when I kept poking my tummy to find a foot or hand withdrawing back on touch. Shy girl that she was and curious mom that I was :). Those eagerly awaited bi-monthly scans to catch a glimpse of the growing bundle of joy. The countless times I kissed the face caught by foetal scan while trying to imagine how the baby would actually look. And now that she was here, all that I could do was stare with exhaustion. The nurse continued to hold her close to my face till I realized and gave that expected kiss. 

I was expecting a lot more emotions while I felt numb.
Looked like she was born but her mum was yet to come...

That night with a crushed tail bone, burning stitches, a crying and super hungry baby demanding to be fed every half an hour, I vowed to myself that this wont happen again to me. I gazed at the helpless, innocent babe as she suckled, only to realize, there was no escape. Cursing fate for making her girl, I wept imagining the pains she may have to bear.  So there I took my first step towards it. Crying more for what she may have to face and less for what I was facing.

The tiny step taken didn't help much, and there were times plenty where I would look at her and wonder why I did not feel connected. The horrible feeling that perhaps she being there or not would not make much difference to me. More often I would get frustrated. The missing independence and lack of me-time, my lost health and sleep, the constant duty of feeding, changing diaper, the ever worst colic; I was so tired that I did not know what or how to play with her. Everything was duty, work; where was love? The one that I felt for my nieces. Thoughts led to guilty feelings in abundance. Dissatisfaction of not being able to give my 100% and absence of the heavenly feeling of being a mom. It's not like I did not enjoy any part of it. It's enough to just look at the cutiepies with innocent smiles and heartfelt laughter to forget everything. But it lasts only till they again become cranky! I was just caught unprepared and not ready for the 2 hectic years.

Time is a great teacher and healer. It brought in special moments and experiences, to connect us at a level greater than the physical one.
Like the day she had to get her ears pierced, I was so restless and irritable that amma scolded me for being paranoid. Could not imagine she having to go through pain whereas I was totally bold when the same had happened to my nieces. The weakness that being a mom can bring!
Any bad stories on newspaper started bringing a chill down my spine. I feared so much for her safety that I wondered if this horrible world was good enough for her. Now it's possible to relate to my ever anxious mum and friend's mums.

That beautiful moment when she called me "Amma" and the sound was heard not just by my ears. My heart skipped it's beat for the first time in life. 
The days I would cry all the way to office, when she would bid me a goodbye with a silent, defeated smile on her face, knowing that nothing could stop me anyway. No one could see  the sadness, longing, early maturity through that expression of hers except for me. Reading out kids expression comes most naturally for mammas.
The rigorous search for her playschool and none seemed satisfactory, since mums want best for the kids. To mums nothing seems as best as the kid is, and deserves.

Innocently they cling to us thinking we could only be the best for them, just makes us try our best. They teach us our lessons in their own sweet ways. Not to forget the hardest lesson about patience! Even those still make you laugh some point of time later.

She is of the age now, where my memory begins, I am ever so keen to be a part of everything she does. Dress her up, tell her stories, drop her to school and pick her up, be the first one to hear stories from school, take her to park, spend more time, be her friend, relive my childhood, enact my mom :). The list of it just continues and our bond is growing stronger day by day. I can't be the mom for whom child is first and everything else second, but I love motherhood and it is special to me in my own ways. Frustrations still exist in abundance but I have learnt to accept them since they are a part of any relationship.

The day she was born, her mum was born too. 
She is growing up and her mum is growing up too. :)



https://pixabay.com/en/child-love-mother-the-birth-of-337540/