Name of this Blog

"You know what your problem is? You are a perfectionist! You are not able to handle it, when you don't hit the target, right at bulls eye!". These were the lines my manager told me patiently, at the end of a super heated argument, which I lost in tears.

Later that night, looking at the dry, flaky skin which had not tasted moisturizer since an year, gazing at the ever increasing pile of unwashed clothes, recollecting how I skipped baby's vitamin doze that night since I was too tired, I wondered if I really was a perfectionist. Are they not the ones who are perfect? I was far from anything near perfection.

As I pondered on this subject, I realized that I do seek perfection in things that mean a lot to me. And on top of it, if I thought something should happen certain way and at a certain time, then it just had to, else I would get frustrated. "Mission Failed!". I would not mind leaving something incomplete because it did not go as per plan.
I think perfectionists are people who seek perfection and not perfect people. Perfectionist  also keep finding flaw in everything. It's because as they improve on things, they observe scope for more improvement. Everybody would be perfectionist in some or the other aspect in life. It's a worthy quality depending on how it is used.

The lines by my manager also opened my eyes to my problems. I had set my targets looking at success definitions around me, ignoring what I really wanted. I thought it was success to have financial stability, relationships with people of same wavelength, a routine and disciplined life without unknowns etc. As I would work on them, either I would not be able to meet them or the targets would move ahead as soon as they seemed easy. There was no end. My targets also depended highly on external factors and luck, not everything can be controlled. Nothing will ever be ideal unless you think that everything is ideal. But it is tough to be fooled into such a belief.

I had been stressed up for quite sometime, had even plunged into spiritual reading (in limited available time), but did not know what exactly was the cause of trouble.  Finally, on knowing the issue, direction became clear. Any strong quality in you, can either be your weakness or your strength depending on how you decide to use it. The so called "perfectionist" is here to stay, time to change the target.  Now on my goal would be "happiness and inner peace". If I fret on not achieving it, then I move further away. So in no case can I brood over regrets or disappointments since it is against my aim.  After almost 7 years, I finally found the courage to listen to my intuition. I made up my mind and resigned that night. Success will not be about following the general success trends anymore. My definition of success today, is being happy and doing what makes me so, without waiting for the ideal time or situation.

It is going to take practice and has to be built up in coming days and years but I already feel content. The name of this blog also reflects an aspect of the recent insight. 
At peace, knowing that nothing is flawless like I would like them to be. 
Yet close to my heart just like the imperfect me. 

P.S - ImperfectMom was already taken away, making the name slightly less perfect than I would have liked. ;):p

Thoughts on "Me Time"!!

Why are the first 2-3 years of growing up a baby most stressful for mums?

For "stay at home" mums, the entire day is about baby. When baby sleeps it's about house and everyday essential activities. In spite of doing that, the baby wakes up before even the hair could be combed. Some cooking needs to be done with baby on one side.
Socializing is missed. It is suffocating to not have intelligent talk entire day. Even going out would be to entertain the baby and not yourself. 100% dedication is needed. Maybe it's good in case of joint families, but they would have their own pros and cons. 

"Stay at home" mums suffer from under stimulation!

For " full time working mums", the day is about running around in the morning to get ready, pack things and spend time with baby, follow the work schedule of the day and get back home. Even before the quick visit to loo, the baby is in mum's hands. The baby would have missed mum so much that it would not be ready to leave her even for a minute. So the supposedly quality time, which would be 3-4 hours with the baby, would be spent without even washing face. 
If it was a hectic day at work then you may just hold the baby blankly. There will be guilt of not being able to enjoy the childhood or give attention. Or the days you do fine, there would be absolutely no time for your back or mind to rest.  

"Full time working" mums suffer from over stimulation!

What could make it better?

While every mum will try her best to cater to the babies needs in her own way, she forgets herself. She thinks it's OK and that the baby is first. It's fine, if you are still happy because the basic formula is:

Happy babies = Happy mums            [assign like 'C', but is true either ways ;) ]

If not, then you might need a dose of "Me time". With modernization, the need of "Me time" has increased, the scope to have it has decreased.

What is "Me time"?

For different people it would mean different things. But basic idea is to unwind and recharge. And for a mom this would be indulging in activities she loves to do without having to monitor and worry about the baby/kid. The activity could be reading a book, watching TV, listening to music, dancing, exercising, a walk in park, shopping etc.

How do I find that time?

Lately I have come to believe that one should live in the present. 
But for "Me Time", mommies you have to wait till the kid goes to school. No matter how much help you have, it would only be to accomplish day to day mundane activities which otherwise may not even be possible. So unless you are in a mode where day to day activities and the baby itself can rejuvenate you, "me time" is not achievable. 
The babies need your full attention till first few years of their life. You would have to compromise some other important time to make that ''me time". Sleeping even lesser, or not cooking a proper meal, or not cleaning house and so on. These will but just increase your stress and hence the fun will be lost.

At least now, we can truly appreciate the efforts put by our parents.

So is "Me time" a myth?

Nothing is impossible but in this case, it depends on circumstances. 

Simplest would be to get help from the baby's "daddy"!  For at least couple of years dads should also try to keep home as priority. Taking the baby for a walk would really help. An hour off in the house without the baby around is a treat for any mum. This may not be the case every time. Men could have more demanding job is demanding or different priorities. Relying on this could mean expectation mismatches, blame games and more fights and in the end dad's stress also increases.

Best would be to have a job which one loves doing (not just for the money). Then working would actually be beneficial for baby and mum. Mum is happy, baby is happy. Quality time matters as much as quantity time. 
I personally believe, part time job is the best for mums. 3-4 hours away, to socialize, do things you love and get paid for it, get to spend quality and quantity time with the baby. Even if the job pays for just the nanny's or day care fees, it should be alright at the moment.

For "stay at home" mums, leaving the baby in day care for couple of hours would be a good option. Stress levels would come down and you would be able to make the best of motherhood. It may not be possible depending on finance conditions. It could be good to get grandparents help also sometimes. Again, based on situation.

Find your way, don't worry too much about consequences since any way is as fine as the other. So choose what suits you best.

What if one does not find it?

If nothing seems to work, then just stop thinking about "Me time" and it's benefits.
In couple of years things will not be as bad. A hope of easier tomorrow, could help one  to keep going. Try to tick days in the calender. Have patience. There is a saying "This will pass too".
Moreover, everything in life are experiences and lessons. I learnt to value time only coz of my daughter. There was a learning for me in it. Each will find theirs.

It's awesome to have that time which is just "mee".
If not, for a while just be "mummyyyy". :)


https://pixabay.com/en/tropical-beach-swing-tree-branches-1149937/

Birth of baby! Birth of mum?

The nurse devotedly uttered the encouraging words "banthu banthu banthu...", as I gathered all the energy I could, for the final push. I watched it's thick black hair and tiny little butt, as the nurse frantically stopped in midway, it's cool dive into the real world. 
When I look back I remember the funny labour scene of the movie, "Big Fish". The rosy baby who literally seemed to have jumped out a couple of minutes ago was brought near me. Alone for the first time, she looked sad and puzzled. With her lip inverted, her accusing eye looked into mine. Till today I am unable to decipher that expression. Perhaps she wanted to be pacified or perhaps was out of her comfort zone. Just scared of the strange sights that she saw and the strange environment, scared of the strange me.
Detesting changes is natural. It starts right from the moment of birth.

Can't recollect if I saw the face first or saw "her" first, and there was a tinge of disappointment in me. We are a family of girls and hence myself and some were hoping for a change this time. Boy babies and boy kids remain a mystery. 
Sometimes fate has a way of giving us what we need rather than what we want.

The first glimpse of the baby is what every mum awaits apprehensively for 9 months. I had assumed this would be a blissful moment with happy tears. The times when I kept poking my tummy to find a foot or hand withdrawing back on touch. Shy girl that she was and curious mom that I was :). Those eagerly awaited bi-monthly scans to catch a glimpse of the growing bundle of joy. The countless times I kissed the face caught by foetal scan while trying to imagine how the baby would actually look. And now that she was here, all that I could do was stare with exhaustion. The nurse continued to hold her close to my face till I realized and gave that expected kiss. 

I was expecting a lot more emotions while I felt numb.
Looked like she was born but her mum was yet to come...

That night with a crushed tail bone, burning stitches, a crying and super hungry baby demanding to be fed every half an hour, I vowed to myself that this wont happen again to me. I gazed at the helpless, innocent babe as she suckled, only to realize, there was no escape. Cursing fate for making her girl, I wept imagining the pains she may have to bear.  So there I took my first step towards it. Crying more for what she may have to face and less for what I was facing.

The tiny step taken didn't help much, and there were times plenty where I would look at her and wonder why I did not feel connected. The horrible feeling that perhaps she being there or not would not make much difference to me. More often I would get frustrated. The missing independence and lack of me-time, my lost health and sleep, the constant duty of feeding, changing diaper, the ever worst colic; I was so tired that I did not know what or how to play with her. Everything was duty, work; where was love? The one that I felt for my nieces. Thoughts led to guilty feelings in abundance. Dissatisfaction of not being able to give my 100% and absence of the heavenly feeling of being a mom. It's not like I did not enjoy any part of it. It's enough to just look at the cutiepies with innocent smiles and heartfelt laughter to forget everything. But it lasts only till they again become cranky! I was just caught unprepared and not ready for the 2 hectic years.

Time is a great teacher and healer. It brought in special moments and experiences, to connect us at a level greater than the physical one.
Like the day she had to get her ears pierced, I was so restless and irritable that amma scolded me for being paranoid. Could not imagine she having to go through pain whereas I was totally bold when the same had happened to my nieces. The weakness that being a mom can bring!
Any bad stories on newspaper started bringing a chill down my spine. I feared so much for her safety that I wondered if this horrible world was good enough for her. Now it's possible to relate to my ever anxious mum and friend's mums.

That beautiful moment when she called me "Amma" and the sound was heard not just by my ears. My heart skipped it's beat for the first time in life. 
The days I would cry all the way to office, when she would bid me a goodbye with a silent, defeated smile on her face, knowing that nothing could stop me anyway. No one could see  the sadness, longing, early maturity through that expression of hers except for me. Reading out kids expression comes most naturally for mammas.
The rigorous search for her playschool and none seemed satisfactory, since mums want best for the kids. To mums nothing seems as best as the kid is, and deserves.

Innocently they cling to us thinking we could only be the best for them, just makes us try our best. They teach us our lessons in their own sweet ways. Not to forget the hardest lesson about patience! Even those still make you laugh some point of time later.

She is of the age now, where my memory begins, I am ever so keen to be a part of everything she does. Dress her up, tell her stories, drop her to school and pick her up, be the first one to hear stories from school, take her to park, spend more time, be her friend, relive my childhood, enact my mom :). The list of it just continues and our bond is growing stronger day by day. I can't be the mom for whom child is first and everything else second, but I love motherhood and it is special to me in my own ways. Frustrations still exist in abundance but I have learnt to accept them since they are a part of any relationship.

The day she was born, her mum was born too. 
She is growing up and her mum is growing up too. :)



https://pixabay.com/en/child-love-mother-the-birth-of-337540/

Mommy the great :)

The traditional picture of mom for me, is the ever-loving, patient, sacrificing person for whom the baby would mean the world. Somehow I did not fit into this category and motherhood brought with it so many confusions and guilt. But I have learnt to accept them now. I also think there maybe many new moms freaking, coz the feeling may not be as we would have believed. It could be genetic make, modernization and new ideas, high stress levels, hormonal imbalances, unpreparedness or many more. 

I want to write down about how I felt and feel to bring more clarity for myself and sometimes  to turn my thoughts into stronger beliefs. Somewhere I hope this would also bring some comfort to mums like me.

Chill out mums! You are still the "Mommy dear"! It's alrite to be imperfect. :D