My 2020 Journey

The Real Break

The year 2020 began with me resigning from my full-time IT job. This time it was unexpected, and not easy, but the only way ahead for me. Broadly, the thought was to improve my health and upskill for wider job opportunities or explore alternate careers. Specifically, there was no plan; my leap of faith into hopefully a better future!

The Career Jump to the unknown, March 2020

Covid Lockdown

Within a week of my break, the covid lockdown was imposed. Like many Indian ladies, for the first time, I was without a “Bai”. The day revolved around cooking, household chores, keeping daughter engaged, talking over the phone with other frustrated family members, and resting with hot water packs for the aches and pains. 

Covid Lockdown, March 2020 onwards

My adventure hardly began. Every Indian woman is afraid of taking a career break due to the fear of getting stuck with endless jobs at home. I was living my nightmare in that aspect. Soon enough, I was deep into self-pity and depression. 

Sri Sri, Art of Living

As suggested by my husband, I joined the AOL happiness program and learnt Sudarshan Kriya. Few emotional outbursts, nightmares, and insomniac episodes later, the breathing started showing its magic. It removed a fog from my brain and I snapped out of the miserable state.

Happiness Program, Art of living, June 2020

Mobile photography workshop

With my mind open now, a photography workshop for beginners crossed my way. I have never enjoyed being on whichever side of the camera, but I like to put healthy food pictures on my Insta. Thanks to the workshop, my Insta pictures now look presentable.

Mobile photography workshop during lockdown

Taichi

Meanwhile, my autoimmune pains had been increasing. Even yoga was not able to release the stress and tension I felt on my face. Due to covid, everything was online now. That's how I found a Taichi class and learnt Shibashi. It helps to destress and even improved my yoga, meditation, and pranayama.

Taichi, August 2020

Mom's place

By September, I missed my parents a lot and we went to visit them. As my daughter was having online classes, we stayed there for 2.5 months. It was lovely to connect with parents, celebrate my daughter’s bday together, eat mom's food, relax and read a few books. They also took me to a Sri Sri Naadi doctor whose medicines started reducing my pains. In 2020, Sri Sri played a big role in many of my important milestones.

Mom's tea powder compost, Mysuru, September 2020

Dreaded Covid

We were back home by November. Fully rejuvenated and filled with enthusiasm to work towards my goals. During college days, before exam prep, I always cleaned my room. Similarly, I set out to clean my house. But before that could be wound up, we all contracted covid. 

The next 14 days saw me thinking that it cannot get worse, and watching worse happen. By the end of it, I was humbled and transformed. After going through hardships, we learn to count blessings more. I am now thankful for all that we have.

Balasana

More healthy habits

Since we faced side effects of covid, my healthy food habits went to a new level. The month of December saw me learn chemical-free cookies, wholewheat bread, the addition of millets. Hard work but worth it all. There ended my 2020 with freshly baked homemade Pav and hot spicy bhaji. 

My Insta handle - foodness_fitness_n_blahblah

All's well that ends well

The year 2020 was painfully slow at times and then speeding at breakneck velocity. Nothing short of a roller coaster ride. I did not get back to earning a living, however, life taught me how to live better.

Hoping that humanity gets relief from covid and normalcy returns in 2021!

Tree Pose

They say, the trees in Ashokavan whispered to captive Seetha, "Be calm, Stay Still, This shall pass too"

Women Empowerment and Dignity of Labor

This entire week we had women's day celebration at office. Today was the grand finale and women were given these lovely gift as a part of it. A male colleague comes to my place to wish me and eyes the gift. I jokingly say, "All this effort was not needed. They could just have given us a holiday. Would have made us happier!"
You see, women who really are in the need of this break would not join celebration. They would be trying to finish work, short of time like always. After giving a reason or two why that would not be good, the colleague just tells me, "Anyway you have a half day. You can go home and relax! Why do you need leave?"

I always go speechless on hearing these kind of statements despite hearing it a lot of times from different of people. If such comments can be made on a half day working woman like me, what chance do home makers have? Where is the dignity of labour? We always underestimate homemaking. An unpaid job involving never ending chores and no retirement. Moreover, full time homemakers put in so much more than a working women ever can. Let's never demean any job. We are working only because we aspire for something else, not because homemaking is easy. This women's day, along with all the assertive and energetic working ladies, let's admire the calm, caring and nourishing home makers.

While ladies in rural are still trying to break stereotypes, the working mothers are juggling too much  and making too many compromises. Equality we scream, while forgetting that we are different and the beauty is in the difference. We are not weaker but built to nourish and nurture life. What we need are opportunities, facilities and support to indulge equally in our dreams despite the differences. While I will do my bit to ensure my daughter pursues career of her choice, I would love her to be brave and take a break when needed. To indulge wholly in motherhood with total confidence that she would bounce back and chase her dreams when time is right. Let's educate our girl child, not because home is not worthy workplace, but because she can follow her heart. Like someone said, empowerment is about making choices and not sacrifices.

I do not wish[women] to have power over men; but over themselves
-Mary Wollstonecraft

Happy Women's Day!

Why Planet Be?

My five year old is now learning solar system in her school. She knows all the planet names and their placement, spiral galaxy called milky way etc. But she has questions which I am sure she does not ask in her school. I must say my parents used to be amazed yet frustrated at my questions in childhood and termed it "Yaksha Prashna".  I see the karma cycle coming back to me. I have to frantically search for answers which I generally do not know and now understand my parents dilemma. At little above 2 years, she started questioning me about death on seeing a flower droop. She cried and grieved once she noticed the flower was decaying. That's when my journey of trying to give her explanations for things beyond my reach began.

One day she asked me, "Amma why are dogs and cats there? ". That's easy, I can get past this one I thought.  "Just like why sun is there, we are there, same way dogs and cats are there.", I said. She went silent, into her thinking mode. Some days later was a more difficult question. "Amma why are planets there and why is earth there?", she asked. I was at wits end and told her the truth, "We will never know why. We are like dust in front of solar system, milky way and other galaxies. We are too small to find out. All we can do is live this life as a gift that it is. Experience all that it offers and enjoy it." We just think they are kids but they can process much more than we will ever know. I knew she would not ask me the same again. Though later I felt, I could have told Big bang theory and given this answer on further questioning.

Today morning, I wake up to find the below picture in her drawing book. She drew this while I was busy with work yesterday. I called her to find out if it really was what I was thinking. She said, the kids are all sad because they do not know why planets are there. It's always lovely to see what kids innocent drawings and scribbles. I just love how these characters look so disappointed and sad because they would never know. It also one shows the inner quest of humans to want to know everything. The never ending quest to decipher the meaning of life and existence.

Amma Bo!

The clock ticked seven. I had stayed extra in the office by good 30 minutes. It was in the hope of finishing work, which was to be completed a week before. It was late but I ran to the restroom. It would be impossible to attend nature's call once home, at least till past nine. I came back and shut down the PC, while cursing the empty water bottle. Looked like I would  have to go thirsty for quiet a while.

I arrived home fearfully and to some extent repulsively. The door was already open. My in-laws were sitting on the floor in front of scattered toys and my daughter was on her grandma's lap. Each one of us had our own set of problems. Like always, I could sense the frustration and disappointment in the air. We adults choose silence and only body language gives away. Not so with the kids! My daughter who was nearly 3 year old looked at me, lowered her head, narrowed her eyes and said, "Amma Bo! Office Pola!". It means, "I do not want Mamma. Go back to Office!".

This had been a routine since a couple of months. Nothing I would do or say would break this habit.  Ignoring, I tried to step into the  house. She came running and tried to close the door to prevent me from entering. I said, "Ok I will go back!". I walked till the gate thinking that if I disappear for a while, she would call me. I waited for five minutes, but in vain. When I went back, she was waiting at the door, expecting me, ready to shoo me away. "Pola! Office pola!", she said angrily again.

I couldn't stand there forever so I held the door tightly, careful not to hurt her and entered.
"Amma Bo! Amma Bo!", she yelled. "Ok! Go to your grandparents then!", I said. I wished she would do that. I would have had no problem if actually she had been more attached to her grandparents and ignored me. But my life could not be that easy. She would remove her frustration on me for at least an hour before she would mellow down. We would then cuddle trying to make up for the lost moments while it would be nearly bedtime. Basically, the yelling was her way of showing me how much she missed me. Or at least I like to think so.

"Amma Bo!", she continued. I remembered my mom who went jumping "Bow bow bow!" on her "Bo's" and made her laugh. So I too used it, "Bow bow bow!", I jumped. There was no change in her  expression. She remained unforgiving and shouted again, "Amma Bo!".

Off late, nothing seemed to be working my way. Every aspect of my life, had problems which stressed me up and hence was also in the verge of resigning the job. I had a manager who genuinely tried to understand my problems so to extend more support. In one such discussions, I had mentioned about difficulties I was facing with my daughter in bonding and disciplining. He had given me couple of tips. He told me, he would just calmly say, "What you did is not good. I will not talk to you!" This always did the trick for him. I tried this one day on something. It worked, making me really happy. Next time when I tried it though, she kept on repeating, "Amma, don't talk to me!", with a sarcastic and amused face. She would poke me and repeat it with a smile like it were a very good joke,"Amma! Don't talk to me!". When I met my manager I told him how it failed. He said, "She is very clever and playing mind games with you! These kids observe us whole day and know us much better than we know them. That's the only work they have. Observation!". Today I decided to use his second suggestion. That is, to totally ignore.

So I started to my bedroom like nothing happened. Realising that she has to change her strategy, the little devil clung to my legs so it would be difficult for me to even move. "Amma Bo!", she went on even more adamantly. Without uttering a word, dragging her along, I reached my cupboard. I decided that perhaps I should clean my cupboard to continue ignoring and use the time. After a while, she left my leg and climbed over the bed yet uttering in intervals, "Amma Bo!". I started feeling confident that perhaps ignoring would work. I sat in front of the cupboard immersing myself into the cleaning job while she climbed the headboard storage/shelf of the bed. She had learnt climbing this and the window grills even before she learnt walking. So it was normal. From the corner of my eyes I saw her dangerously approaching the edge. I got alert and started standing up while she jumped from the headboard towards me shouting, "Amma Bo!".

All the throwball practise that I had ever had in school came into use. I swiftly got up towards her and caught her. Needless to say, I was in a state of panic and shock. Soon as I caught her, my legs gave away and I sat down with her, trying to calm my heart which was now beating super fast."Amma Bo!", she continued like her Olympian jump and my Herculean rescue operation never even happened.

I was defeated to such an extent, I had lost my power of thinking. "Ok! Tomorrow I will not come back from office. I will book a room and stay there after office. You can stay with your grandparents here.", I said.
"What is a room?", she asked.
 "It's where you will have a bed, a kitchen, a bathroom and everything needed to live", I said.
"AAAaaa! I will also come with you!!", she said. In that moment my heart and ego both swelled and I could hear music. "My daughter loves me! My daughter needs me!", I thought.
As if she sensed my happiness and relief, she continued, "...and  when you come back from office, I will say, AMMA BO!! "

The room upstairs

Nisha had arrived that morning to her elder sister, Tara's house, which was in their beautiful native, Mangalore. After stuffing lunch into the toddlers mouth, she relaxed and chatted with her parents and sister. So much was there to catch up. Each one had something to say and each one spoke louder than the other. Kids were happily forgotten for sometime.

"Aiyyo! Did you go to the room upstairs all alone?!" , exclaimed Tara in her usual loud voice. The loud voice startled and scared Sanvi, who burst out crying. Puzzled, Tara picked Sanvi and brought her to the living room where Nisha hugged her and calmed her down. Tara had just left the discussion to do some household chores and found the two and a half year old coming downstairs all alone. Usually at that age they would accompany the kids lest they trip and fall.

Nisha thought the baby must have been upto some mischief. "Why did you cry?" she asked Sanvi who had now settled with some toys. There was no reply.
Tara again started to go back to her work but Sanvi jumped and caught her nighty tightly, "Dont go to the loom(room) upstairs Doamma(aunty)! Don't go pleeaase!", she  yelled and again burst into tears.
"No dear! I am just going to the kitchen. I will not go upstairs! Don't cry!" said Tara. This continued for a while till Sanvi was convinced.
Nisha took the opportunity to probe further, "What would happen if Doamma goes to the room upstairs?"
"I will be socked(shocked)! You also don't go please", said Sanvi.
"She must have gotten scared of something", said Gowri, Nisha's mother.

Till her afternoon nap, the toddler kept asking everyone to not go to the room upstairs. Once she was asleep Nisha went to the room to find out what could have happened upstairs. It was a duplex house with the first floor having a single bedroom and an attached bathroom. This room had Mangalore tiles for the roof which gave it an authentic look and kept the room cool and ventilated. Nisha noticed the sounds that the coconut tree leaves made against the tiles. Some other sounds from sources she could not identify were also present. These noises made the place slightly spooky. To her Mangalore always seemed like that. She had mostly vacationed in the country parts where the silence seemed to be more noisy. At the end of room was an old steel almirah with a shelf and a mirror. The plastic toy rabbit which Sanvi was playing with in the morning, was lying on the shelf. "Sanvi must have come till here", thought Nisha and walked till the almirah tracing the baby's path. She reached the mirror and  stared at her own eyes.

It was the summer that Nisha's sister got married. Her parents had to leave her alone at her grandparents place for a few days. The house was a an old Anglo-Indian styled bungalow in the midst of a beautiful farm. This was the first time she had to sleep all alone at night. As luck would have it, there was a power cut ending the comfortable breeze and rhythm of the ceiling fan. In the silence, the otherwise unheard sounds were now magnified. In the kitchen room, water was falling in the steel sink drop by drop. The wooden windows were open and the leaves kept rustling every now and then. It would seem like someone just walked on them. The wooden windows would move slightly and thud against the stopper on occasional gust of wind. The eeriness in the air reminded her of the dusty and cobweb filled attic in the first floor. Most things looked grey there and the rest, black. And there were those strange attic windows looking into the parts of house that did not seem to have doors. During the day she would often stare at the windows wondering what could be behind them. Eventually that night, she ended up crying, screaming and calling her grandma to sleep with her. Her grandma was a bold Lady and fear of unknown was the the last thing that could scare her. She came to the room scolding about the discomfort caused and handed Nisha a torch and went back to sleep in her own room. Could one drive away a spirit with a torch? What a night! She hardly slept in fright. Was it possible Sanvi was scared too?

The small nap seemed to have erased Sanvi's concerns about room upstairs. Nisha took the kid to the room after a while  and was relieved that the kid did not object. Just when they were coming down Sanvi shouted, " Amma don't look back! ". Without thinking Nisha turned her head back. " Don't look at the rabbit " said Sanvi and Nisha ended up looking at it. It was now lying on a table. "You looked!! Waaaaaaahhhhh! You should not have looked!! Let's go! Waaaahhh! You should not have looked at the rabbit!"
"I did not see it. Where is the rabbit?" Lied Nisha.
"You saw! You should not have seen!!" Cried Sanvi inconsolably. Again it took some time for everyone to calm her down. Whatever was wrong? Why was she scared of the rabbit toy? Had Sanvi spotted anything weird in this beautiful yet mysterious place. Was the rabbit toy possessed? Nisha started recollecting all spooky stories including one where her uncle told after grandparents sold their Anglo-Indian bungalow, that it was actually possessed by a blood thirsty spirit. She started feeling scared herself.

It was night and Nisha and her parents were to sleep in the room upstairs. Sanvi would not agree and Nisha took her to Tara's bedroom instead. But while sleeping Sanvi started calling out everyone and asking them not to go upstairs either. Then Gowri told, " There is nothing to be scared upstairs. Let's all go together ". The baby was not convinced.
" Shall we throw the rabbit out ", asked Nisha.
"But you should not see it", said Sanvi.
"OK then let's go", said Nisha but waited for her mother Gowri to accompany them. The mystery of the day  had caused Nisha's childhood fears to resurface. She did not want to go near the rabbit alone. She waited near the steps till her mother joined her. So finally all of them including Tara's younger daughter Aditi set out to the room upstairs. With Sanvi in her arms Nisha reached the table. She picked up the rabbit which was lying only to find one part left behind.  "Oh the legs are broken! " said Nisha.
"You saw! Waaaahhhh!! You should not have seen!Waaahhhhhh!!!" Sanvi started crying again.
"That keeps breaking often", said Aditi, " we can fix it back ".
"Oh baby! Just because you were scared of getting scolded you carried such a burden entire day. Now don't cry no one will scold you. These were old toys and they break soon. My my! You are such a small baby and you got yourself worried so much.", said Gowri consoling the crying baby.

Nisha stood watching in silence as she drowned in whirlpool of thoughts. It started with a mixture of relief that there was nothing supernatural involved, and a disappointment that perhaps there is nothing more than what we can see. Then the realization that the first instinctive thought that comes to one's head is usually the right one. Had she not realized instantly that her daughter's cry was the one of a guilty but entire day of analysis just led to complicated theories. And the last thought was the major lesson she learnt looking at her daughter's bad day. Being afraid to face unavoidable situations torments one more than the situation itself actually can.

Super Mommy!

Date : 1996- 1997
Place : Lodhikheda

Akka excitedly brought an old steel plate and poured some milk into it. Pushu, as we came to call her, licked it happily and later settled down on my akka's lap. That was the day Pushu bade her mom the final goodbye and became a part of our home. Akka has a special connection and love for all kinds of living things (sometimes even non-living). As time went by, Pushu also loved her more. I was just a jealous observer wanting to experience the same. Such was their bonding that when we would all go for walks, Pushu would follow us like a dog. She would run ahead of us, play with something till we would have crossed her, that's when she would run ahead again. People who saw this often commented that she seemed more like a dog, "Ye tho Kutthe jaisi hai!".

One night we were invited for dinner at a house which was a few blocks away. We all went walking and Pushu came with us like always. After the party was over, she was not to be seen around. My sister whistled, made sounds to call her, all in vain. We left home thinking she might come back on her own. But we did not see her the next morning, nor after we came back from school. That evening my sister went to search for her beloved pet. After an hour she came back with Pushu tagging along her merrily. The previous night, there were stray dogs in that block. Akka said, Pushu had hidden somewhere in fear. I imagined her crouched in perhaps a crevice, not coming out until she was confident that it's safe.

Months passed, one day, my mom said that Pushu was pregnant, since her stomach looked bulged. I could hardly find any bulge in that tiny tummy. My sister later added more information that the father of Pushu's kids was actually Pushu's father too. All the time gazing at nature, I wondered if there was anything her eyes had failed to catch. Heights of cutenes, my sister even holds worms and points out as to which is a male and which is female. Her zest for life never fails to amaze me.
The good news was just what the nurturer in my sister needed. Pushu was generously fed dollops of butter without Amma's knowledge. Amma would also pour more milk and rice for the ever hungry cat. All of us were waiting eagerly to welcome the new entries.

One rainy night while we were studying, we heard a small, faint "Meeee!" at the window sill. It was not "Meow!" but a "Meee!". We called our mom and opened the window to find Pushu and her first kitten on the window sill. Quick arrangements were made without disturbing Pushu too much. We brought umbrellas, Cardboard box, pieces of cloth and the broad window sill was converted to a warm delivery nest. Mum then shut the windows and drove us away to give more privacy to Pushu. None of us could sleep though. After an hour, we went back again, there were now three kittens, sleeping curled in between her curled body. She looked up and her eyes suddenly seemed to have a new maturity. She was younger to me by years but looked at me like an adult would look at a  kid. The sharp faced cat, who appeared so naughty, silly and childish till yesterday, now seemed calm, responsible and matured. Amma says some cats are so confused during their first delivery that they even end up killing their kittens. Pushu showed no such signs.

It was a pleasure to see the kittens grow up. To see their eyes open bit by bit daily, to make them play, to see them play with each other. Pushu also had new habits now. Her tail would now move even in sleep to make the kittens play. She started speaking a different language for the babies. She would call them "Krrrrrrrrmeeeooww!". Soon the kittens started getting their daily treats of rats and bats caught by Pushu. Pushu was totally in ease and playing the new role amazingly well. We later shifted the cardboard box to the balcony which would open into the lawn area and eventually the main road. It kept them safe from rain, sun and had easy access to outside world. But this place didn't have a door and hence was an easy access to predators. It worried us a bit and perhaps worried Pushu more.

One fine day, while I was at something, there a loud bark at the lawn. Strange bark! I went running out to protect the kittens but met with an unexpected and strange scene! Pushu was biting the dog's foot and the dog was yelping in pain!
The same cat who had hidden in fear few months back, was now attacking it! The object of fear was actually bigger than her, but weighed much less against the fear of losing her kittens. Under normal circumstances she would have opted for a flight, but now she was so confidently attacking the predator.  Motherhood not just changed her looks and habits but also transformed her into a new avatar. A rebirth of sorts which brought out the feminine power to it's peak.
Loving and caring yet so bold and fierce!



Translations :
Akka - Sister
Amma - Mother
"Ye tho Kutthe jaisi hai!" - She is like a dog

The Cage

I bend to pick up my girl.

On the bathroom floor, my messy hair twirl.

To clean it up, there seems to be no moment.

Babe playfully rubs it against her cheeks, 

causing me torment.

It's never enough and thus follow outbursts on face.

On it, the dull, dry mane make a painful trace.

It's worse on days which are silky.

Mocking the boils red and milky.

Lot of weight and enough troubles around.

I am done with this, and don't want anymore to be bound.

Off to the barber's I hurried.

Just chop it off and let these all be buried.

I need liberation and don't want to be worried.

The lady looked at the beautiful length of black.

How she longed for what was lack.

I won't do it she sighed, you will soon wish it was back.

She trimmed it up to make it neat.

Said she, there is a better way that could be a treat.

"Chop them in different styles, don't cry.

Now that it does not matter, do what you were always scared to try."

Lightened me instantly, simple though it may sound.

It was a self made trap to which a solution was just found.
Now dreams to fly and troubles to ground.

Never went back in frustration again.

When it happens then a makeover would be the gain.

Freedom I did get that day.

Attached yet detached with the strands till today.

Image from : https://pixabay.com/en/woman-face-contour-burnout-blank-73403/

Kahaani Main Twist!

I came home with a sick feeling in my tummy. It was not because the next day was my last working day at office. It was not because of the farewell treat where I over ate. Just when the final week approached and I was preparing myself for the next step, the unexpected again happened. Just when I thought I knew the direction, again I was at loss, having made to take a quick decision .

Post resignation I kept writing down my thoughts only to realize that part time job is the best for mom and baby/kids. Once at home full time, ladies tend to get immersed in the household chores more than they would want. And reality was I could not simply indulge in my expensive interests all my life unless there was a job to support them.  Hence, I made it clear to the managers that I would be back if they wanted me for half a day. But they again denied due to list of reasons and made me understand how it was not practical. On the last week of serving my notice period, I was sure there is no turning back and was busy making plans for at least one year. I was planning of how I would find that half day, self sustaining job. Job which would give me some income and some time to pursue my passion. How I would try all my interests to see if it could generate income, if not then freelancing options and so on. Just when I was preparing myself for what would be the best or the worst decision I had taken, I was asked by my managers if I was still in for the half day. In spite of the popular belief(supported with reason) that half day would not work out in team/organization like ours, some situation just made them feel like trying out.

The cook who was on 3 months leave had also finally declared that week, that she would not come back. It had unsettled me since that would mean more shortage of time. The half day would be a good transition option where I could focus on getting back my health on track and finding a new cook. Gearing up for what would be next. There was very short time to make the final decision (half an hour) and plus so many had tried so hard, working around with policies, the matter seemed to have been so escalated that in the end I could not even deny. So I gave a thumbs up, on the last but one working day, as an employee of my first company. It was done just because of the situation, but the amount they tried for it, did make me feel good and wanted.

So there I was, a weekend to rest and then a contract employee for a duration of 6 months at half day/half pay. But still something did not seem fine, Was not sure what. One of my friend was laughing at me in office saying my life now really seems like Ekta Kapoor's serials. Every day one new drama."DhaDhun!"

The realization dawned just when I reached home. I needed that vacation but somewhere over quick bargains it got overlooked again. The demand was 6 months break, agreed was 1 month break and what happened was I just got the usual weekend (again due to different situations). I was to report immediately on monday, as the employee of a new company but in the same old team, same old place, doing the same old work. I willingly or unwillingly compromised on that break which I thought was much needed. Perhaps I was again giving in to fears. Something would have worked out even if I had not agreed for the new proposal.

It's was too late to revert, and it felt bad because I felt obliged to agree in the end. This situation made me realize that the second part of a well known quote is true as well. "Naseeb se zyada aur naseeb se kam kisi ko kuch nahi miltha". We will get what we are destined to get even if we try to get rid of it.

At the same time, all this started because a full day job with a kid around suffocated me due to various reasons. Somehow I got what I wanted much more easily than I thought. Though the duration for which it extends is uncertain, it is a lucky chance to find out if a half day job is just what is needed.
Just what a mom needs. Just what one needs to pursue passion. Just what the company needs too.

Six more months to go.

Need to charge up, lots to prove so.

Hope I would give back what I took.

But more important is to retain the new outlook.

Perhaps it's a smooth transition, to make the most.

Ye tho bas shuruaat hai, picture abhi baaki hai mere dost!

photo credit: 2007_03_04_sunrise_33.JPG via photopin (license)

Poem for the last working day at office

Break to Make

Long hours away from babe, seemed like the cause of the distress.   

Believed it was need of the day, and hence, continued the press.

But present since much before were dissatisfaction,

guilt, fears, blames and regrets.

Oh! The long wait hoping for those to appreciate.

Realization! Living for and like others will only depreciate.

Tired or Enlightened!? Don't want to continue this race.

It was a beautiful journey, outward;

now is the time for the inward chase.

Or is it just that, could fit better in a different place?

Whichever is the case, it's a call for a break.

To live life slowly and for happiness sake.

Pursue interests, bask in the morning sun, bright,

Or peruse the depths of lake, in the hazy twilight.

To wing the dreams or face fears and burn.

It's for personal growth, to learn and to unlearn.

Relieved and happy, with the seeming U-turn!

Words just bring comfort; tough is going to be the try.

It has been very good here, will remember and sigh,

The best monthly sms, that never failed to give a wonderful high,

The help, the patience, the understanding,

the guidance, the learning, the company, the friendship 

and those happy laughter bringing tear in the eye.

Thank you all for each and everything.

Follow and motivate me at http://nonidealmom.blogspot.in/

Good bye for now, off to search what suits best.

I may be back with a bang as a result of the quest.

HorrorScope

Ever since Nandini was born, career has always haunted me. Leaving or continuing the job, both seemed like equally bad options. After lot of analysis I realized that perhaps I am not self motivated to be in IT, nor is money leading me to happiness. I needed time(and little money) to pursue my interests. The mistake of looking at others and trying to live my life their ways had caused all this. Somehow the simple realization led me to excitement. One part of me wanted to stay back, since now it was time to give back what I took. Another part of me felt that there was no better time to move out. Before working really becomes a need. I felt like if I resign it's the end of all my miseries. But there were so many mood swings that got my thyroid levels checked, just to be sure. Even that was not enough and I wanted more assurance that I was on the right path. Then I went to the last resort. An indication on whether it would be right to resign at this point in time or not.
Horoscope!

Couple of years ago my parents had themselves gotten a horoscope reading done for me not able to see me in depression of sorts. It was told then that, I had janma shani (whatever it means) and 2015 would bring an end to janma shani. And now it was 2015, plus I also had a very positive feeling of having found the direction in my life. I thought an indication that there is no financial troubles in near future, would add weight to my decision. So my dad requested one of our family friends to see if the horoscope could guide in anyway. He put me on a call with that Uncle so that I could get first hand Info.

Uncle : Don't quit the job. You have shani in ashthama. You will feel all these things. Just don't take any big decision. No matter what you do, you won't get mental peace.
Me : But I am tired and I want to relax.
Uncle : Yes, it is a part of the package. You will feel lethargic, dejected, demotivated and you will not get any support from anyone. Nor in family, nor in office. You have to reach within to solve your problems.
Me : But anyway I am a lady and can afford to stay at home. Or atleast I can try for a sabatical.
Uncle : It is the truth now, two people need to work. Can't help it. Everything is expensive. If you get that sabatical leave, it's good. But don't quit.
Me : What if I quit and try online job options when I want. I wanted to know if we would end up having financial crisis. Is there any indication of the same?
Uncle : No matter what you try, you will not find mental peace in the next two years. Better to face a known devil than something unknown. It does not appear in your horoscope like there would be financial problems anywhere in the near future, but shani can come in any kinds of forms and is unpredictable. So can't be sure. Just have patience and push through this. Shani's bad impact for you is just 20% of what it is for some others.
Me : For 20% I feel like this!? I wonder how it would be for people who have 100%.
Uncle : Yes, it is too bad for some others. Read "Vishnu sahasranama". If you don't have time, then atleast listen to it in office. Do a shani japa homa. You can scrape through this. Things will be fine. End of 2017 will end the shani period for you.
Me (disappointed) : So can I then quit after two years?
Uncle : After two years you will not feel like quitting at all! Your horoscope says you would stay a  working lady for much longer.

It was not just an astrology reading but an advice from a well wisher too. It is lucky to have such people around you. I spoke about the same to many people. All kept telling me importance of money and gave me valuable advice. And I too agree that it is important, can't deny it. Just that, forgetting to live in present due to fear was not acceptable anymore. The advice from uncle again made me re-analyse the decision.

There were two things.
1> This entire horoscope thing could be wrong. In that case, I was just being stupid wasting every one's time by seeking for the information. I could trust my instincts and go forward and quit.
2> If everything is correct, then pushing though two years would ensure long relation with IT. Just thinking of the same I felt scared. I always wanted to quit once Nandini is 6 years or so and pursue hobbies and interests. Perhaps, if I continue for two more years, all those hopes would vanish and I would only be left with the "What Ifs".
Now if like what the horoscope says, I would work for quite long, then quitting may perhaps open up alternate means of career. So it's a win win situation.

A day later, I got inputs from my mom saying 2017 end, my husband's shani would start and stay for 7 years. Just when I thought it would be over and we would live happily ever after!

Believing in these is secondary, but the embedded truth is that life will always have troubles and challenges. Moreover, as soon as one feels settled, an unsettled feeling starts. It's like day and night.

The horoscope reading helped me in a way different than I was hoping for. I am aware that I should expect the unexpected! I am constantly reminding myself that as long as we are alive, we have to keep kicking. There is no escape! "Horrorscopes" show the same too, directly or indirectly.

https://pixabay.com/en/horoscope-sign-zodiac-96309/

The language of silence

It was just another evening in the park. My lazy daughter was happily sitting on her favorite merry go round while I was simply pushing it, subduing the urge to run around and play.
A cry made me turn behind. It was a baby lying flat on her tummy, fallen while trying to cross the single layered brick border surrounding the park. Her family members were right behind, letting her learn her lessons through falls.

As I was making a note on how I should also let my daughter loose more often, a beautiful scene caught my eyes. A man and a woman of the family who had just entered the park, were now standing side by side and holding hands. They had their backs to me, yet the language without words was speaking for itself. There was an unmistakable air of comfort, admiration and affection. The dusk was adding to the glowing love and the cool breeze was carrying it to me, carrying it to places distant. I relished this serene moment for as long as I could.

Then the baby came running towards us, followed by her dad. The dad made her sit in the merry go round but she would not lift her legs up. She was trying to push it herself. Her father kept saying something which just fell deaf to her ears. The grandpa then made his way towards us to rescue the dad. He said the magic word, "basa!" and the baby immediately settled down. Grandparents and the kids somehow plot together to make the parents feel incapable and dumb.

The grandpa was a man in 60s wearing an off white shirt with small red flowers. He looked at me intently and asked, "Don't you use aloe vera? For your pimples?". 

"No!", I said without even thinking since the unexpected question made me too conscious. Then I remembered how that was also one of the things I had tried long back. I resisted back my temptation to tell the same and story of all the things that I had tried. Not today! Today I wanted to be an observer. I shook my head with an expression of having given up on it and waited for him to continue.

"It is very good. Acne gets cured. Do try!" he said.

I smiled and nodded my head in agreement.

"That is my girl! My daughter!", he pointed out proudly to the lady, now sitting on a park bench nearby. The lady, whose hands he was lovingly holding a while ago.
"Hehehehe!", I giggled amused at his enthusiasm and youthfulness. "I made out", I said, recollecting their sweet moment a while ago, which did not escape my eyes. I then looked at the daughter who smiled back. Probably he told it to to make me realize that he had a daughter of my age and hence the concern and knowledge.

He seemed a bit puzzled with my laugh but continued, "This is my girl's girl!". I smiled and nodded my head, not telling him this time that it was obvious. Perhaps it was now this uncle's turn to cover up his awkwardness at my unexpected reactions. He continued. Pointing at the baby's dad, he said, "This is, in law, my son! My son in law!" Happily nodding my head again I looked at the son in law to finish the formality of the introduction. Could it be that the son in law was embarrassed with his father in law's silly explanations or was he really busy managing his daughter on the merry go round? He did not look up to meet my eyes.

The young old man continued looking at me, thinking what to tell next. I decided to finally take a lead. Was it just him, or was it the love he showered on the little princess in his life, which made him such an adorable person. Or was there something else too? So much youth, friendliness and freshness radiating out of him. Could it be the effect of the place he was from too? "Basa" sounded like Marathi.
"Where are you from?",  I asked.

"Goa!", said he, making me dreamy again. That was the place I had never been to. The place which reminds one of freshness and youthfulness. The place where everything seems to be merry. The place where perhaps people never grew old just like the one in front of me.

After a few minutes the son and father, both by law, were led to the slides by the baby. Very soon I coaxed my daughter out of the merry go round so that other kids get their turn. As she ran towards the other play items in park, I turned behind to finish my unspoken conversation with the daughter if she was still sitting on the bench. Co-incidentally she too was looking at me. I smiled at her trying to convey something through my eyes. She immediately smiled back as though she understood but within moments it faded to be replaced by a strange melancholy. I meant to tell her that I found her dad admirably cute like my dad. Perhaps she understood my sign and perhaps I too understood the void.

I walked away with a contentment, imagining that amidst all the noise and cheer, we silently shared more than just a smile.

Someday

I think I would write a letter to Mr. Modi
To mention how important part time job, is for a lady.
I hope there would be an impact, leading to things more steady.
To make it easier for my daughter when she is ready.

Then I resist myself, it's not the time right.
I need to learn the rules to write.
I lack the facts to power my insight.

But I hope someday people will realize that everything is equal, lacking just the synergy,
The tamed, disciplined mind and the raw, untouched energy.
Someday we will know that negative and positive were once just the same,
how they split and why the difference came.

Then there will be 'that' someday when both will suddenly merge.
Perhaps that day, the big bang theory would reverse.
Every element fusing to a point tending to inifinity.
Clearing up the mess as mentioned in the book, "God's Debris".
Tough to imagine that as the end of the journey,
When time is right, there would be the split again, creating you and me.

But someday light would combine with the dark,
and everything would be how it should be.
Someday the opposites would peacefully unite, creating a new history.
That someday! We would all really be free.

For now, I hope we all blend.
Following the voice and setting a new trend.
Surely someday I won't be me and you wont be different.
Someday, and 'Someday' it surely would be.


photo credit: Neutron Stars Rip Each Other Apart to Form Black Hole via photopin (license)

Other Side of the Mountain

One of the nursery rhymes that me and my daughter watch have the following lyrics :

The bear went over the mountain

The bear went over the mountain

The bear went over the mountain

To see what he could see

And all that he could see

And all that he could see

Was the other side of the mountain

The other side of the mountain

The other side of the mountain

Was all that he could see.

That's all I am off to see perhaps.

This whole act of resignation to try something else feels like that. It's like getting out of one web to be caught in another.

 I hope the journey would be worth.

Serendipity

It was not just another day when I sent an IM to a friend group in my office :
Me : T?
Friend 1:  :-o !
Friend 2 : After more than an year!!!
Friend 3 : In!

Birds of the same feather flock together.
I joined the company as a campus recruit and a month training was conducted for all of us. Post the training sessions, everyone would split up into different groups and some remained loners. I found my comfort in a group which we later named as "T-Group". We were fun-loving people, each one introvert in their own ways. None would go out of their way to be a showstopper or show-stealer in the stage of life. Either on stage or in the audience, we would still not like to miss the show and the fun. There was also a mixture of modern ideas and traditional values which suited all of us.
Eight years back, we were more than ten members, now reduced to just four. The diversity of topics and the fun element in them had also reduced, partly because of the reduction in number and partly because most were caught in the web of marriage. Perhaps it was lack of interesting topics, or excess work, or both, we started meeting very less off late.

After grabbing the tea, milkshakes, namkeen, we started towards the seating area. I scanned for the most isolated place and led everyone to the same. We reached the rear end of the cafe. As we pulled out the chairs to sit, Anirudh asked, "Did you want to watch the lake today?" The question made me nostalgic. 

The first time that we were led to this part of the rooftop cafe, was by Mani, 'x' T- Group member. A hopeless romantic, he was going on describing the beauty of the entire place. "When I come here, I feel so nice, this wind through my hair, this blue lake and greenery around, this scenery, this......" 
My eyes quickly scanned the entire place and found one man sitting on the edge of the lake, defecating! I agree today, Modiji is right! Toilets first! "See there!" I said, pointing at the man. 
"Uhhh!" Mani said distorting his face in disgust. He turned away and scolded me while walking in the other direction, "You know, you are that person! That person, who can find the tiniest dot in a big white sheet!". I laughed a content devilish laughter, the sweet victory of breaking his happy trance. The comment was first of it's kind though and made me ponder for years to come.


Snapping into present, I kept looking back for the last person to join us. There was something important to tell today. A secret!  I am good at keeping them, provided the reasons are good enough.

A month prior to this rendezvous, I had desired for a solo trip to a nature spot with nobody I knew, around. It was to stop all the thoughts or get lost in my thoughts. It was a thumbs up from my husband's side, but I chickened out of it, fearing the risks. Couple of weeks later I went down with dengue.  I got what I wanted in a strange way. Five days in the hospital bed, staring at ceiling and staring at the wall. I still wanted to be alone and did not want absolutely anyone to visit me. I was tired mentally, physically and emotionally. My husband was around, as always silent, calm and at peace. He complements me so well that sometimes I cannot distinguish me from him. And this was such a time. 

After years, my "Me Time" which was about being all alone was gifted to me. It was not in the way I wanted or would have liked but still I thank god for giving it to me. So all those who did not visit or could not visit, I am happy since it increased my "Me time". 
But yet some did visit me and thanks for the same. Out of courtesy, out of concern, out of curiosity, out of love, whichever was the case, some came. Other than relatives, the only visitors that I had were from the "T group". Was it just a mere co-incidence or a sign?

This group which had seen the downsides of me. The group which had beared my emotional turmoils. Some who had patiently listened to the same topics and complaints over and over again and yet continued to be with me. Some who had asked me to shut up and not whine. Some who had given me, "I too understand" dialogues and quoted supporting examples which made me realize they did not understand at all. And one who liked me enough to tell, "You seemed like the first half of 'Jab we met' movie when you joined, now it looks like the second half!" Though an exaggeration, it kept reminding me all these years, how I was deviating from my true self.

When you are happy it is easy to have friends around, 
But it is a blessing to find a shoulder to cry when down. 

I did not want to burden them with a secret. But if this small secret could be a burden, then what I had been doing to them all these years would be an offense. It was not fair and not worth keeping this secret from them.


The other two had happy faces at having met after so long and we were chit chatting. I turned back impatiently, one last time, she was either late or not going to make it. I had anyway told her during lunch, so just decided to go ahead. "Actually, I called you people to tell something important," I said.
"Don't tell me you have put your paper!" Harish said without a moments delay.
 "Oh my god! Bull's eye! How did you guess it? Or is the news already making the rounds?" I asked.
He looked totally shocked and said, "What? You are joking right? I don't know! I said simply! You are lying! It can't be!"
"I put it three weeks back." I said with a slight guilt.
"And you are telling now? The moment people come out, they are so happy that they start announcing!" said Harish.

A week before dengue fever, my manager called me to the meeting room. "I request you to keep this confidential. People just go on announcing it like an achievement. I don't like it! And then it is spread across. That is not the way it should be. People will know when it is time to know! I know that you are not like that. You are sensible and I trust you to keep this entire thing confidential till the time is right." he said. A person with a big heart, but at the same time knows what words to be used with which person. It was not my sense of duty, ethics, the rights and wrongs or the trust he credited me with, which agreed to him. Symptomatic treatments do not solve any issues. My stubborn 12 year old acne problem is a reminder of that. But my respect and gratitude for him made me nod my head in agreement.

"But just like that, why did you do it?" the manager asked curiously. I shook my head not sure if I should even reveal, it still sounded so silly and embarrassing. Or maybe, he just wanted to suggest more solutions to continue as in the beginning I was hoping to work it out somehow. Asking for half day options, sabatical options and what not.
"It's Ok, I am happy with the decision. It's a happy one! Really!", I said feeling  content and relaxed already. 
"Yes, but what next?" he asked really wanting to know. 
I gave up and said, "I want to dance! I just want to be able to dance!"
He did a good job of not showing any emotion other than digesting the information. "You mean, you want to teach dancing? As a profession?" he asked. 
"I don't know. I want to get rid of my back pain. Get my health back and be able to dance! Or maybe I will learn and take up yoga as profession" I said recollecting how my parents asked me, when I was four, if I would join my sister in her dance class. I said "Girls dance, not me!", like I was not one, "I will exercise."
He could connect to some extent and started telling, "I understand too. I have already started taking music classes in the weekends.....". 
Not sure what he said next, an impatient listener, I cut him short,"At least you have learnt music! You have an edge." 
Finally, the expression nearing disbelief was on his face, "What? Have you never learnt dancing?"
I shook my head in a big no and said, "I dunno, it's really wierd. During final year of B.E, I participated in one dance. I felt like this is what I was born to do. It's just wierd! " 

It was the final semester of engineering, when I finally took part in a dance, believing then, that it would be my last dance performance on stage. They say if you do something in excess, it starts losing the taste. I too wanted to satisfy my lifetime's desire to perform on stage, in that one last dance. The music began and I twirled and faced the audience, me in the coloured light, them in darkness, every part of me alive and at it's best! It had to be, it was the last time. At that point in the stage, there was 'the moment' where one second seemed to extend into a minute. That voice, that silent me, telling me that this is what I was born for.

My manager said, "It happens! It happens 'all' the time!"
Was it agreement on his face or pity for where I was leading myself to? Did he mean that 'all' get such feelings but life has to go on? Was it a comment in sync with the dialogue he said few days back, "Jo haath main hai vo mitti, jo kho gaya voh sona."?
Barring the thoughts, I continued trying not to be overwhelmed, "This was the right thing to do. I am at peace with whatever has happened in my life so far because I could take this decision. There were times when I thought it was unfair that I am a women, that I should have been a man. Today I am happy about it, since it allowed me to take such a decision more easily. The day I resigned, blames and regrets left me. Everything that ever happened seems fine now."
His expression changed when I mentioned about the regret of not being a man. Could not read it, but father of two daughters, the sentence could have had a meaning for him. But he now seemed to have gotten the hang of what I was going through and wished me luck and we got back to work. Me agreeing to respect his wish though not really agreeing with him.


After justifying the need to keep the entire thing secret, adding the "Don't tell anyone" dialogue, I said,"I am just going for a break. Dunno what next as of now."
"Many want to take this decision but are not able to. It's really great that you could take it!" Harish said with admiration.
"Are you saying that?" I asked in disbelief. Whenever I would speak to him about this topic he was always of the opinion that it is good if women work. He is never short of admiring his working mum's contribution to the family.
"You know, my wife also says the same thing. Once we have a baby she will not work it seems. She would not want to leave the baby." Anirudh said, happy to have arrived to the conclusion that perhaps all women think same.
"Aaah! People will say that but thoughts may change later", quipped Madhu who joined in soon after the news sank.
"I am not doing this for Nandini!  She may benefit from it and she is the main factor leading me to this. This is perhaps right time. Now that she has joined school, I would find time to work out an alternate way. I want to do something else." I said begging to differ. But truly, my daughter brought purpose in my life and also inspires me to keep going on.
"Ya ladies have so many options you know. My friend's wife is doing some craft work kind of thing at home",  Anirudh said.
"Ya I am thinking of Yoga, dance or perhaps B.A. in literature. Something I wanted to do even the time I met Vasu. I am going happily mad since so many options have opened up, now that I have resigned. I am so relieved," I said. Six and a half years back my beloved husband, then fiance, triggered me out of a 23 year old writer's block as we kept writing Shayaris to each other. That time I never found enough courage to quit though I desperately wanted to. Mommies are braver!
"Ya, it's nice. We also wish we had such an option." said Anirudh with a smile which showed that men were trapped too. 

The last two and half years had been very stressful for the entire family. I chose to work for the financial aspect but always wished it was a four hours job. I was too tired but pushed myself knowing that it would be same if I stay at home too. Many times I would complain to all about my stress levels, hoping for either more help or motivation or an ego boost. But they were equally or more tired. All I would get back, was the dialogue to quit working if I wanted to. I craved for that important place in the family, the role of aiding the bread earner which I did not feel I got. And in the end, none of us were happy even if money flowed in. Each thinking that they are doing a favor to the other and each more stressed than the other. After a big argument with family members I finally confronted my husband, "Why would you not admit that I do make a difference financially for the family?". He said, "You are making it and I can't deny that, but I can't afford to go to the comfort zone of thinking you would always work!" Everybody has a valid point and if we think enough everybody seems to be right in their own ways. What I was looking for, was a push, but now I realize, I have something better! Freedom!


Today I did not have a counter reply for Anirudh. It was perhaps my turn to make guys jealous. Instead of cribbing about what is not right, instead of hoping for more support, instead of going by the book, instead of blame games and regrets, I was making the best of what was available and given to me in this life. Most importantly, I was finally listening to my intuitions.

I still want to earn but me first and then money. I will get no more or no less than what was destined, directly or indirectly. 
I still want to do my part for the family but me first and then relationships. If I am not fine then no relationship will be. 
I still have lot of dreams but happiness first and then dreams. Dream itself is in the hope of finding happiness at the end of it. 
I am off to check all the theories, put them to practice and it will be tough to do so. I may end up as a homemaker, or back in IT, or something else.Whichever keeps me self motivated. Time will tell what is to happen.

I read a quote few days ago: "Someday, everything will make perfect sense."

Looking back, all the random activities in life seem to follow a pattern. Right from health, family, friends, job, conversations, opportunities, nature, to the mundane day to day activities, all seem to be speaking a language of their own. If one cares to listen, pieces of the jigsaw puzzle start falling into place. What seemed like holes once, may start appearing like bridges.


Carved was a path obvious, but you had other plans.
Sweet Serendipity! You are not just a mere chance.

Ignoring caused torment, created an unbearable noise.
Hence, giving up on reason, surrendering to the inner voice,
Knowing that you would step in again, 
when it is not the best choice.