The Cage

I bend to pick up my girl.

On the bathroom floor, my messy hair twirl.

To clean it up, there seems to be no moment.

Babe playfully rubs it against her cheeks, 

causing me torment.

It's never enough and thus follow outbursts on face.

On it, the dull, dry mane make a painful trace.

It's worse on days which are silky.

Mocking the boils red and milky.

Lot of weight and enough troubles around.

I am done with this, and don't want anymore to be bound.

Off to the barber's I hurried.

Just chop it off and let these all be buried.

I need liberation and don't want to be worried.

The lady looked at the beautiful length of black.

How she longed for what was lack.

I won't do it she sighed, you will soon wish it was back.

She trimmed it up to make it neat.

Said she, there is a better way that could be a treat.

"Chop them in different styles, don't cry.

Now that it does not matter, do what you were always scared to try."

Lightened me instantly, simple though it may sound.

It was a self made trap to which a solution was just found.
Now dreams to fly and troubles to ground.

Never went back in frustration again.

When it happens then a makeover would be the gain.

Freedom I did get that day.

Attached yet detached with the strands till today.

Image from : https://pixabay.com/en/woman-face-contour-burnout-blank-73403/

Kahaani Main Twist!

I came home with a sick feeling in my tummy. It was not because the next day was my last working day at office. It was not because of the farewell treat where I over ate. Just when the final week approached and I was preparing myself for the next step, the unexpected again happened. Just when I thought I knew the direction, again I was at loss, having made to take a quick decision .

Post resignation I kept writing down my thoughts only to realize that part time job is the best for mom and baby/kids. Once at home full time, ladies tend to get immersed in the household chores more than they would want. And reality was I could not simply indulge in my expensive interests all my life unless there was a job to support them.  Hence, I made it clear to the managers that I would be back if they wanted me for half a day. But they again denied due to list of reasons and made me understand how it was not practical. On the last week of serving my notice period, I was sure there is no turning back and was busy making plans for at least one year. I was planning of how I would find that half day, self sustaining job. Job which would give me some income and some time to pursue my passion. How I would try all my interests to see if it could generate income, if not then freelancing options and so on. Just when I was preparing myself for what would be the best or the worst decision I had taken, I was asked by my managers if I was still in for the half day. In spite of the popular belief(supported with reason) that half day would not work out in team/organization like ours, some situation just made them feel like trying out.

The cook who was on 3 months leave had also finally declared that week, that she would not come back. It had unsettled me since that would mean more shortage of time. The half day would be a good transition option where I could focus on getting back my health on track and finding a new cook. Gearing up for what would be next. There was very short time to make the final decision (half an hour) and plus so many had tried so hard, working around with policies, the matter seemed to have been so escalated that in the end I could not even deny. So I gave a thumbs up, on the last but one working day, as an employee of my first company. It was done just because of the situation, but the amount they tried for it, did make me feel good and wanted.

So there I was, a weekend to rest and then a contract employee for a duration of 6 months at half day/half pay. But still something did not seem fine, Was not sure what. One of my friend was laughing at me in office saying my life now really seems like Ekta Kapoor's serials. Every day one new drama."DhaDhun!"

The realization dawned just when I reached home. I needed that vacation but somewhere over quick bargains it got overlooked again. The demand was 6 months break, agreed was 1 month break and what happened was I just got the usual weekend (again due to different situations). I was to report immediately on monday, as the employee of a new company but in the same old team, same old place, doing the same old work. I willingly or unwillingly compromised on that break which I thought was much needed. Perhaps I was again giving in to fears. Something would have worked out even if I had not agreed for the new proposal.

It's was too late to revert, and it felt bad because I felt obliged to agree in the end. This situation made me realize that the second part of a well known quote is true as well. "Naseeb se zyada aur naseeb se kam kisi ko kuch nahi miltha". We will get what we are destined to get even if we try to get rid of it.

At the same time, all this started because a full day job with a kid around suffocated me due to various reasons. Somehow I got what I wanted much more easily than I thought. Though the duration for which it extends is uncertain, it is a lucky chance to find out if a half day job is just what is needed.
Just what a mom needs. Just what one needs to pursue passion. Just what the company needs too.

Six more months to go.

Need to charge up, lots to prove so.

Hope I would give back what I took.

But more important is to retain the new outlook.

Perhaps it's a smooth transition, to make the most.

Ye tho bas shuruaat hai, picture abhi baaki hai mere dost!

photo credit: 2007_03_04_sunrise_33.JPG via photopin (license)

Poem for the last working day at office

Break to Make

Long hours away from babe, seemed like the cause of the distress.   

Believed it was need of the day, and hence, continued the press.

But present since much before were dissatisfaction,

guilt, fears, blames and regrets.

Oh! The long wait hoping for those to appreciate.

Realization! Living for and like others will only depreciate.

Tired or Enlightened!? Don't want to continue this race.

It was a beautiful journey, outward;

now is the time for the inward chase.

Or is it just that, could fit better in a different place?

Whichever is the case, it's a call for a break.

To live life slowly and for happiness sake.

Pursue interests, bask in the morning sun, bright,

Or peruse the depths of lake, in the hazy twilight.

To wing the dreams or face fears and burn.

It's for personal growth, to learn and to unlearn.

Relieved and happy, with the seeming U-turn!

Words just bring comfort; tough is going to be the try.

It has been very good here, will remember and sigh,

The best monthly sms, that never failed to give a wonderful high,

The help, the patience, the understanding,

the guidance, the learning, the company, the friendship 

and those happy laughter bringing tear in the eye.

Thank you all for each and everything.

Follow and motivate me at http://nonidealmom.blogspot.in/

Good bye for now, off to search what suits best.

I may be back with a bang as a result of the quest.

HorrorScope

Ever since Nandini was born, career has always haunted me. Leaving or continuing the job, both seemed like equally bad options. After lot of analysis I realized that perhaps I am not self motivated to be in IT, nor is money leading me to happiness. I needed time(and little money) to pursue my interests. The mistake of looking at others and trying to live my life their ways had caused all this. Somehow the simple realization led me to excitement. One part of me wanted to stay back, since now it was time to give back what I took. Another part of me felt that there was no better time to move out. Before working really becomes a need. I felt like if I resign it's the end of all my miseries. But there were so many mood swings that got my thyroid levels checked, just to be sure. Even that was not enough and I wanted more assurance that I was on the right path. Then I went to the last resort. An indication on whether it would be right to resign at this point in time or not.
Horoscope!

Couple of years ago my parents had themselves gotten a horoscope reading done for me not able to see me in depression of sorts. It was told then that, I had janma shani (whatever it means) and 2015 would bring an end to janma shani. And now it was 2015, plus I also had a very positive feeling of having found the direction in my life. I thought an indication that there is no financial troubles in near future, would add weight to my decision. So my dad requested one of our family friends to see if the horoscope could guide in anyway. He put me on a call with that Uncle so that I could get first hand Info.

Uncle : Don't quit the job. You have shani in ashthama. You will feel all these things. Just don't take any big decision. No matter what you do, you won't get mental peace.
Me : But I am tired and I want to relax.
Uncle : Yes, it is a part of the package. You will feel lethargic, dejected, demotivated and you will not get any support from anyone. Nor in family, nor in office. You have to reach within to solve your problems.
Me : But anyway I am a lady and can afford to stay at home. Or atleast I can try for a sabatical.
Uncle : It is the truth now, two people need to work. Can't help it. Everything is expensive. If you get that sabatical leave, it's good. But don't quit.
Me : What if I quit and try online job options when I want. I wanted to know if we would end up having financial crisis. Is there any indication of the same?
Uncle : No matter what you try, you will not find mental peace in the next two years. Better to face a known devil than something unknown. It does not appear in your horoscope like there would be financial problems anywhere in the near future, but shani can come in any kinds of forms and is unpredictable. So can't be sure. Just have patience and push through this. Shani's bad impact for you is just 20% of what it is for some others.
Me : For 20% I feel like this!? I wonder how it would be for people who have 100%.
Uncle : Yes, it is too bad for some others. Read "Vishnu sahasranama". If you don't have time, then atleast listen to it in office. Do a shani japa homa. You can scrape through this. Things will be fine. End of 2017 will end the shani period for you.
Me (disappointed) : So can I then quit after two years?
Uncle : After two years you will not feel like quitting at all! Your horoscope says you would stay a  working lady for much longer.

It was not just an astrology reading but an advice from a well wisher too. It is lucky to have such people around you. I spoke about the same to many people. All kept telling me importance of money and gave me valuable advice. And I too agree that it is important, can't deny it. Just that, forgetting to live in present due to fear was not acceptable anymore. The advice from uncle again made me re-analyse the decision.

There were two things.
1> This entire horoscope thing could be wrong. In that case, I was just being stupid wasting every one's time by seeking for the information. I could trust my instincts and go forward and quit.
2> If everything is correct, then pushing though two years would ensure long relation with IT. Just thinking of the same I felt scared. I always wanted to quit once Nandini is 6 years or so and pursue hobbies and interests. Perhaps, if I continue for two more years, all those hopes would vanish and I would only be left with the "What Ifs".
Now if like what the horoscope says, I would work for quite long, then quitting may perhaps open up alternate means of career. So it's a win win situation.

A day later, I got inputs from my mom saying 2017 end, my husband's shani would start and stay for 7 years. Just when I thought it would be over and we would live happily ever after!

Believing in these is secondary, but the embedded truth is that life will always have troubles and challenges. Moreover, as soon as one feels settled, an unsettled feeling starts. It's like day and night.

The horoscope reading helped me in a way different than I was hoping for. I am aware that I should expect the unexpected! I am constantly reminding myself that as long as we are alive, we have to keep kicking. There is no escape! "Horrorscopes" show the same too, directly or indirectly.

https://pixabay.com/en/horoscope-sign-zodiac-96309/

The language of silence

It was just another evening in the park. My lazy daughter was happily sitting on her favorite merry go round while I was simply pushing it, subduing the urge to run around and play.
A cry made me turn behind. It was a baby lying flat on her tummy, fallen while trying to cross the single layered brick border surrounding the park. Her family members were right behind, letting her learn her lessons through falls.

As I was making a note on how I should also let my daughter loose more often, a beautiful scene caught my eyes. A man and a woman of the family who had just entered the park, were now standing side by side and holding hands. They had their backs to me, yet the language without words was speaking for itself. There was an unmistakable air of comfort, admiration and affection. The dusk was adding to the glowing love and the cool breeze was carrying it to me, carrying it to places distant. I relished this serene moment for as long as I could.

Then the baby came running towards us, followed by her dad. The dad made her sit in the merry go round but she would not lift her legs up. She was trying to push it herself. Her father kept saying something which just fell deaf to her ears. The grandpa then made his way towards us to rescue the dad. He said the magic word, "basa!" and the baby immediately settled down. Grandparents and the kids somehow plot together to make the parents feel incapable and dumb.

The grandpa was a man in 60s wearing an off white shirt with small red flowers. He looked at me intently and asked, "Don't you use aloe vera? For your pimples?". 

"No!", I said without even thinking since the unexpected question made me too conscious. Then I remembered how that was also one of the things I had tried long back. I resisted back my temptation to tell the same and story of all the things that I had tried. Not today! Today I wanted to be an observer. I shook my head with an expression of having given up on it and waited for him to continue.

"It is very good. Acne gets cured. Do try!" he said.

I smiled and nodded my head in agreement.

"That is my girl! My daughter!", he pointed out proudly to the lady, now sitting on a park bench nearby. The lady, whose hands he was lovingly holding a while ago.
"Hehehehe!", I giggled amused at his enthusiasm and youthfulness. "I made out", I said, recollecting their sweet moment a while ago, which did not escape my eyes. I then looked at the daughter who smiled back. Probably he told it to to make me realize that he had a daughter of my age and hence the concern and knowledge.

He seemed a bit puzzled with my laugh but continued, "This is my girl's girl!". I smiled and nodded my head, not telling him this time that it was obvious. Perhaps it was now this uncle's turn to cover up his awkwardness at my unexpected reactions. He continued. Pointing at the baby's dad, he said, "This is, in law, my son! My son in law!" Happily nodding my head again I looked at the son in law to finish the formality of the introduction. Could it be that the son in law was embarrassed with his father in law's silly explanations or was he really busy managing his daughter on the merry go round? He did not look up to meet my eyes.

The young old man continued looking at me, thinking what to tell next. I decided to finally take a lead. Was it just him, or was it the love he showered on the little princess in his life, which made him such an adorable person. Or was there something else too? So much youth, friendliness and freshness radiating out of him. Could it be the effect of the place he was from too? "Basa" sounded like Marathi.
"Where are you from?",  I asked.

"Goa!", said he, making me dreamy again. That was the place I had never been to. The place which reminds one of freshness and youthfulness. The place where everything seems to be merry. The place where perhaps people never grew old just like the one in front of me.

After a few minutes the son and father, both by law, were led to the slides by the baby. Very soon I coaxed my daughter out of the merry go round so that other kids get their turn. As she ran towards the other play items in park, I turned behind to finish my unspoken conversation with the daughter if she was still sitting on the bench. Co-incidentally she too was looking at me. I smiled at her trying to convey something through my eyes. She immediately smiled back as though she understood but within moments it faded to be replaced by a strange melancholy. I meant to tell her that I found her dad admirably cute like my dad. Perhaps she understood my sign and perhaps I too understood the void.

I walked away with a contentment, imagining that amidst all the noise and cheer, we silently shared more than just a smile.