Choosing the Doctor

Date : Around 22-Jan-2012

"It's positive! Congrats!", said the doctor. 
"Are you sure? I am ahead by just 5 days!", I said in disbelief. It was not even 20 days since we decided to have the baby. 
As I would tell my husband, "So far our company was services based, time to start our  product!" :p.  
"Yes, almost sure. Get a lab test done after a week and come back to me.", said the doctor.

Lab test confirmed the same and before I could go to the doc again, my parents rushed and came to Bangalore, totally excited to meet me. 

This time I went to her with my husband.

Doc: "Take these tablets, morning 1 each and night 1 each. Both after meals."

Me (suspiciously): "The other tablet looks like hormone tablet. Why do I need it? There is no complication yet."

Doc : "Yes but these days all women need it."

Me (uncomfortable and thinking) : "Maybe I need to change this doc."

Doc : "Don't walk too much, don't travel by bus, don't travel by 2-wheeler, don't travel by auto for couple of months, don't climb stairs...don't...blah blah blah..don't...blah blah blah..don't...blah blah blah.",

Me (freaking out  and thinking) : "Helloo! How do I go to office then?!!" :o

The way the doc spoke, it looked like any slight disturbance and I would lose the baby. Delicate and careful is something that does not come even with practice to me. Felt like I would have to clip out my wings for next 8 months. I reached home with a brave face only to flood the living room with tears. Mum as usual said, "Inkulu mantha eethu late baale ampuna, aike incha aapuna." (You all plan for kids so late, that's why all these problems). I wondered if she was right. But at 26 I was losing my calm over nothing, it would have been worse if it was even before.

Next day we both rushed to another doctor.

Doc : " You have these Folic acid tablets for now."

Me (thinking) : "No hormone tablets. She is good perhaps!"

Doc : "Don't start any new physical activity/exercise. Other than that, you can continue with whatever you have been doing so far. "
Me (relieved) : "Phew!"
Doc : "You can drive 2 wheeler and go to office. I drove till 7 months!"
Me (excited and thinking) : "Wow! She is cool too!"
Doc (looking at my husband with lot of concern) : "You  both can continue having sex too."
Both of us (uncomfortably changing position in the seat, wondering where to focus our eyes and thinking): "Did she really say that now?" (Blush! Blush!)

Nausea never allowed me to ride my 2 wheeler to office the entire time but I chose my doctor :). 
Regarding the last suggestion, you can keep guessing ;).

Career Break

Motherhood brings one of the most toughest decisions in a working women's life. The taste of financial independence, good social circle and identity one has built up from years of hard work. It's not so easy to let it all go in one shot. Nor would it be easy to leave the darling baby, a piece of your heart for big part of the day. Somewhere, the charm of this gift reduces due to the burden of decision making and the  compromises that have to be made.

It took me a lot to conclude that I would join back to work. My dad's encouragement finally assured me to at least give it a try. But again now, when she is 3, I have my own reasons to discontinue. It took a lot to even go for this break (serving the notice period). Somewhere in midst of all the excessive thinking, I have decided to use thumb rules for parenting and for life which brought more clarity into my decision making.

• Plan for future. Don't overdo it due to fear.
• Never forget to live in the present.
• The only person you can definitely make happy is "You"! So go ahead and make yourself happy first. Do what it takes! It will not only improve your relations but also can reduce your expectations from others.
• Every choice is as good or as bad as the rest.
• After making a choice, there is a high chance that you may feel the other was better. Somewhere in the long run both will lead to the same destination. Also refer the above point, don't regret and relax.
• Quality time is more important in a relationship than it's quantity.
• Never take credit for the success of your children and never blame yourself for their failures. Give your love, best support and guidance knowing that you can't change destiny. Similarly don't have expectations from them.            "Karm kar, phal ki iccha math kar" - Bhagwad Gita.

Listed are some deciding factors for career or break and what I think about each one :

Health:
It is most important to be healthy physically, mentally and emotionally. See which choice can lead to a better health to you and the baby. 

Financial Stability :

It's a never ending target. Crisis is one thing and stability is another. Financial crisis is a need and need makes a person strong. Financial stability is a fear and fear makes a person weak. Know where to draw a line! 
If  this is the measure of success  for one and keeps them happy, then this could be a good reason to still continue working. If the spouses thoughts don't match then it is a slightly difficult situation. But you are the one who has to work and leave the baby for that period. Do what makes you happier.

Financial Independence :

The heading may sound same but it is slightly different. This is more about keeping our survival skills intact. I believe it's good to earn (or social work, any work outside house) to be able to sustain any crisis. It brings confidence and humbleness, both. This topic was added out of self interest and need not prevent one from going for a break. But ladies, do try to get back sometime with something!

Identity crisis :
Yes, it is good to be known as working than as a home-maker. But a home-makers job is the toughest. It's like social service without any recognition. It is an identity in itself. Try best not to get bogged down by what others think. If someone cannot respect you enough because you are homemaker, then they don't even deserve your attention anyway. Again let your happiness be the factor.

Boredom :
It is tough to stay 24 hours at home if you have been previously working. It is tough to work and manage baby if you are not able to re-energize yourself in some way. Unless of course the job itself rejuvenates you. Do consider this factor and see what rejuvenates you more.

Impact on baby:
Studies and researches say different things. But guess what! There still are loads and loads of things unexplained by science. Separation of baby and mum may not be ideal or natural but it's still fine. Everything in the world is evolving. And everything has it's pros and cons. See which path would be best for babies needs, your needs, and your relationship with baby. Sometimes staying at home 24 hours with the baby may be so stressful that the mum may go into depression or not cater to the babies needs. See which choice would help you to bring in that "quality time". Also understand that just by spending all the time and quality time also may not make the child most attached to you or more cleverer than they would have been otherwise. They have a nature of their own and their own choice.

Once I had a discussion with my colleagues who had working moms. I mentioned how it was a pleasure to find mum at home on returning from school. How I shared the stories of school and how I thought it helped to improve the bond. To my surprise, the ones with working mums said, "We would also do the same. We would just wait for her, near bus stop, and escort her home telling the stories on the way". So they too have similar memories. "But if she had holidays we would find it tougher since she would monitor everything too much. We would crib, 'Aiyoo! Neenu idiya mane alli?' ", they said. I never felt that about my mum, so they grow more independent but is it bad? I think, in all categories there are all kinds of people and no studies or researches would conclude so easily if they start looking at all angles and all factors.

Support for baby and mom :
This is one of the main reasons many quit.  If in the end, you strongly want to be and have to be working then there would be some way. I was not totally motivated and it was important to have grandparents around in my absence. I could trust them to take care of her better than I myself would. At the same time I appreciate people who are able to leave their baby with a nanny or in a day care. It is called, having faith! These people are truly courageous and optimistic. 
If you are are doing what you really want or if truly there is a need, things just fall into place. Just make sure you don't become jealous, possessive or insecure due to the care-giver. If yes, then you need to rethink your choice.

Joys of motherhood :
It is not something you experience only if you are around the baby all the time. Nor does missing some important milestones make your joy lesser. 
Don't look at what others are doing and get confused with others choices and opinions. Do the research, know your needs first! With right and clear decision, one would be able to enjoy and make most of motherhood any way. :)




Translations :
Aiyoo! Neenu idiya mane alli - On no! Even you are there at home?

https://pixabay.com/en/student-typing-keyboard-text-woman-849825/

Thoughts on "Me Time"!!

Why are the first 2-3 years of growing up a baby most stressful for mums?

For "stay at home" mums, the entire day is about baby. When baby sleeps it's about house and everyday essential activities. In spite of doing that, the baby wakes up before even the hair could be combed. Some cooking needs to be done with baby on one side.
Socializing is missed. It is suffocating to not have intelligent talk entire day. Even going out would be to entertain the baby and not yourself. 100% dedication is needed. Maybe it's good in case of joint families, but they would have their own pros and cons. 

"Stay at home" mums suffer from under stimulation!

For " full time working mums", the day is about running around in the morning to get ready, pack things and spend time with baby, follow the work schedule of the day and get back home. Even before the quick visit to loo, the baby is in mum's hands. The baby would have missed mum so much that it would not be ready to leave her even for a minute. So the supposedly quality time, which would be 3-4 hours with the baby, would be spent without even washing face. 
If it was a hectic day at work then you may just hold the baby blankly. There will be guilt of not being able to enjoy the childhood or give attention. Or the days you do fine, there would be absolutely no time for your back or mind to rest.  

"Full time working" mums suffer from over stimulation!

What could make it better?

While every mum will try her best to cater to the babies needs in her own way, she forgets herself. She thinks it's OK and that the baby is first. It's fine, if you are still happy because the basic formula is:

Happy babies = Happy mums            [assign like 'C', but is true either ways ;) ]

If not, then you might need a dose of "Me time". With modernization, the need of "Me time" has increased, the scope to have it has decreased.

What is "Me time"?

For different people it would mean different things. But basic idea is to unwind and recharge. And for a mom this would be indulging in activities she loves to do without having to monitor and worry about the baby/kid. The activity could be reading a book, watching TV, listening to music, dancing, exercising, a walk in park, shopping etc.

How do I find that time?

Lately I have come to believe that one should live in the present. 
But for "Me Time", mommies you have to wait till the kid goes to school. No matter how much help you have, it would only be to accomplish day to day mundane activities which otherwise may not even be possible. So unless you are in a mode where day to day activities and the baby itself can rejuvenate you, "me time" is not achievable. 
The babies need your full attention till first few years of their life. You would have to compromise some other important time to make that ''me time". Sleeping even lesser, or not cooking a proper meal, or not cleaning house and so on. These will but just increase your stress and hence the fun will be lost.

At least now, we can truly appreciate the efforts put by our parents.

So is "Me time" a myth?

Nothing is impossible but in this case, it depends on circumstances. 

Simplest would be to get help from the baby's "daddy"!  For at least couple of years dads should also try to keep home as priority. Taking the baby for a walk would really help. An hour off in the house without the baby around is a treat for any mum. This may not be the case every time. Men could have more demanding job is demanding or different priorities. Relying on this could mean expectation mismatches, blame games and more fights and in the end dad's stress also increases.

Best would be to have a job which one loves doing (not just for the money). Then working would actually be beneficial for baby and mum. Mum is happy, baby is happy. Quality time matters as much as quantity time. 
I personally believe, part time job is the best for mums. 3-4 hours away, to socialize, do things you love and get paid for it, get to spend quality and quantity time with the baby. Even if the job pays for just the nanny's or day care fees, it should be alright at the moment.

For "stay at home" mums, leaving the baby in day care for couple of hours would be a good option. Stress levels would come down and you would be able to make the best of motherhood. It may not be possible depending on finance conditions. It could be good to get grandparents help also sometimes. Again, based on situation.

Find your way, don't worry too much about consequences since any way is as fine as the other. So choose what suits you best.

What if one does not find it?

If nothing seems to work, then just stop thinking about "Me time" and it's benefits.
In couple of years things will not be as bad. A hope of easier tomorrow, could help one  to keep going. Try to tick days in the calender. Have patience. There is a saying "This will pass too".
Moreover, everything in life are experiences and lessons. I learnt to value time only coz of my daughter. There was a learning for me in it. Each will find theirs.

It's awesome to have that time which is just "mee".
If not, for a while just be "mummyyyy". :)


https://pixabay.com/en/tropical-beach-swing-tree-branches-1149937/

Birth of baby! Birth of mum?

The nurse devotedly uttered the encouraging words "banthu banthu banthu...", as I gathered all the energy I could, for the final push. I watched it's thick black hair and tiny little butt, as the nurse frantically stopped in midway, it's cool dive into the real world. 
When I look back I remember the funny labour scene of the movie, "Big Fish". The rosy baby who literally seemed to have jumped out a couple of minutes ago was brought near me. Alone for the first time, she looked sad and puzzled. With her lip inverted, her accusing eye looked into mine. Till today I am unable to decipher that expression. Perhaps she wanted to be pacified or perhaps was out of her comfort zone. Just scared of the strange sights that she saw and the strange environment, scared of the strange me.
Detesting changes is natural. It starts right from the moment of birth.

Can't recollect if I saw the face first or saw "her" first, and there was a tinge of disappointment in me. We are a family of girls and hence myself and some were hoping for a change this time. Boy babies and boy kids remain a mystery. 
Sometimes fate has a way of giving us what we need rather than what we want.

The first glimpse of the baby is what every mum awaits apprehensively for 9 months. I had assumed this would be a blissful moment with happy tears. The times when I kept poking my tummy to find a foot or hand withdrawing back on touch. Shy girl that she was and curious mom that I was :). Those eagerly awaited bi-monthly scans to catch a glimpse of the growing bundle of joy. The countless times I kissed the face caught by foetal scan while trying to imagine how the baby would actually look. And now that she was here, all that I could do was stare with exhaustion. The nurse continued to hold her close to my face till I realized and gave that expected kiss. 

I was expecting a lot more emotions while I felt numb.
Looked like she was born but her mum was yet to come...

That night with a crushed tail bone, burning stitches, a crying and super hungry baby demanding to be fed every half an hour, I vowed to myself that this wont happen again to me. I gazed at the helpless, innocent babe as she suckled, only to realize, there was no escape. Cursing fate for making her girl, I wept imagining the pains she may have to bear.  So there I took my first step towards it. Crying more for what she may have to face and less for what I was facing.

The tiny step taken didn't help much, and there were times plenty where I would look at her and wonder why I did not feel connected. The horrible feeling that perhaps she being there or not would not make much difference to me. More often I would get frustrated. The missing independence and lack of me-time, my lost health and sleep, the constant duty of feeding, changing diaper, the ever worst colic; I was so tired that I did not know what or how to play with her. Everything was duty, work; where was love? The one that I felt for my nieces. Thoughts led to guilty feelings in abundance. Dissatisfaction of not being able to give my 100% and absence of the heavenly feeling of being a mom. It's not like I did not enjoy any part of it. It's enough to just look at the cutiepies with innocent smiles and heartfelt laughter to forget everything. But it lasts only till they again become cranky! I was just caught unprepared and not ready for the 2 hectic years.

Time is a great teacher and healer. It brought in special moments and experiences, to connect us at a level greater than the physical one.
Like the day she had to get her ears pierced, I was so restless and irritable that amma scolded me for being paranoid. Could not imagine she having to go through pain whereas I was totally bold when the same had happened to my nieces. The weakness that being a mom can bring!
Any bad stories on newspaper started bringing a chill down my spine. I feared so much for her safety that I wondered if this horrible world was good enough for her. Now it's possible to relate to my ever anxious mum and friend's mums.

That beautiful moment when she called me "Amma" and the sound was heard not just by my ears. My heart skipped it's beat for the first time in life. 
The days I would cry all the way to office, when she would bid me a goodbye with a silent, defeated smile on her face, knowing that nothing could stop me anyway. No one could see  the sadness, longing, early maturity through that expression of hers except for me. Reading out kids expression comes most naturally for mammas.
The rigorous search for her playschool and none seemed satisfactory, since mums want best for the kids. To mums nothing seems as best as the kid is, and deserves.

Innocently they cling to us thinking we could only be the best for them, just makes us try our best. They teach us our lessons in their own sweet ways. Not to forget the hardest lesson about patience! Even those still make you laugh some point of time later.

She is of the age now, where my memory begins, I am ever so keen to be a part of everything she does. Dress her up, tell her stories, drop her to school and pick her up, be the first one to hear stories from school, take her to park, spend more time, be her friend, relive my childhood, enact my mom :). The list of it just continues and our bond is growing stronger day by day. I can't be the mom for whom child is first and everything else second, but I love motherhood and it is special to me in my own ways. Frustrations still exist in abundance but I have learnt to accept them since they are a part of any relationship.

The day she was born, her mum was born too. 
She is growing up and her mum is growing up too. :)



https://pixabay.com/en/child-love-mother-the-birth-of-337540/

Mommy the great :)

The traditional picture of mom for me, is the ever-loving, patient, sacrificing person for whom the baby would mean the world. Somehow I did not fit into this category and motherhood brought with it so many confusions and guilt. But I have learnt to accept them now. I also think there maybe many new moms freaking, coz the feeling may not be as we would have believed. It could be genetic make, modernization and new ideas, high stress levels, hormonal imbalances, unpreparedness or many more. 

I want to write down about how I felt and feel to bring more clarity for myself and sometimes  to turn my thoughts into stronger beliefs. Somewhere I hope this would also bring some comfort to mums like me.

Chill out mums! You are still the "Mommy dear"! It's alrite to be imperfect. :D