Someday

I think I would write a letter to Mr. Modi
To mention how important part time job, is for a lady.
I hope there would be an impact, leading to things more steady.
To make it easier for my daughter when she is ready.

Then I resist myself, it's not the time right.
I need to learn the rules to write.
I lack the facts to power my insight.

But I hope someday people will realize that everything is equal, lacking just the synergy,
The tamed, disciplined mind and the raw, untouched energy.
Someday we will know that negative and positive were once just the same,
how they split and why the difference came.

Then there will be 'that' someday when both will suddenly merge.
Perhaps that day, the big bang theory would reverse.
Every element fusing to a point tending to inifinity.
Clearing up the mess as mentioned in the book, "God's Debris".
Tough to imagine that as the end of the journey,
When time is right, there would be the split again, creating you and me.

But someday light would combine with the dark,
and everything would be how it should be.
Someday the opposites would peacefully unite, creating a new history.
That someday! We would all really be free.

For now, I hope we all blend.
Following the voice and setting a new trend.
Surely someday I won't be me and you wont be different.
Someday, and 'Someday' it surely would be.


photo credit: Neutron Stars Rip Each Other Apart to Form Black Hole via photopin (license)

Other Side of the Mountain

One of the nursery rhymes that me and my daughter watch have the following lyrics :

The bear went over the mountain

The bear went over the mountain

The bear went over the mountain

To see what he could see

And all that he could see

And all that he could see

Was the other side of the mountain

The other side of the mountain

The other side of the mountain

Was all that he could see.

That's all I am off to see perhaps.

This whole act of resignation to try something else feels like that. It's like getting out of one web to be caught in another.

 I hope the journey would be worth.

Serendipity

It was not just another day when I sent an IM to a friend group in my office :
Me : T?
Friend 1:  :-o !
Friend 2 : After more than an year!!!
Friend 3 : In!

Birds of the same feather flock together.
I joined the company as a campus recruit and a month training was conducted for all of us. Post the training sessions, everyone would split up into different groups and some remained loners. I found my comfort in a group which we later named as "T-Group". We were fun-loving people, each one introvert in their own ways. None would go out of their way to be a showstopper or show-stealer in the stage of life. Either on stage or in the audience, we would still not like to miss the show and the fun. There was also a mixture of modern ideas and traditional values which suited all of us.
Eight years back, we were more than ten members, now reduced to just four. The diversity of topics and the fun element in them had also reduced, partly because of the reduction in number and partly because most were caught in the web of marriage. Perhaps it was lack of interesting topics, or excess work, or both, we started meeting very less off late.

After grabbing the tea, milkshakes, namkeen, we started towards the seating area. I scanned for the most isolated place and led everyone to the same. We reached the rear end of the cafe. As we pulled out the chairs to sit, Anirudh asked, "Did you want to watch the lake today?" The question made me nostalgic. 

The first time that we were led to this part of the rooftop cafe, was by Mani, 'x' T- Group member. A hopeless romantic, he was going on describing the beauty of the entire place. "When I come here, I feel so nice, this wind through my hair, this blue lake and greenery around, this scenery, this......" 
My eyes quickly scanned the entire place and found one man sitting on the edge of the lake, defecating! I agree today, Modiji is right! Toilets first! "See there!" I said, pointing at the man. 
"Uhhh!" Mani said distorting his face in disgust. He turned away and scolded me while walking in the other direction, "You know, you are that person! That person, who can find the tiniest dot in a big white sheet!". I laughed a content devilish laughter, the sweet victory of breaking his happy trance. The comment was first of it's kind though and made me ponder for years to come.


Snapping into present, I kept looking back for the last person to join us. There was something important to tell today. A secret!  I am good at keeping them, provided the reasons are good enough.

A month prior to this rendezvous, I had desired for a solo trip to a nature spot with nobody I knew, around. It was to stop all the thoughts or get lost in my thoughts. It was a thumbs up from my husband's side, but I chickened out of it, fearing the risks. Couple of weeks later I went down with dengue.  I got what I wanted in a strange way. Five days in the hospital bed, staring at ceiling and staring at the wall. I still wanted to be alone and did not want absolutely anyone to visit me. I was tired mentally, physically and emotionally. My husband was around, as always silent, calm and at peace. He complements me so well that sometimes I cannot distinguish me from him. And this was such a time. 

After years, my "Me Time" which was about being all alone was gifted to me. It was not in the way I wanted or would have liked but still I thank god for giving it to me. So all those who did not visit or could not visit, I am happy since it increased my "Me time". 
But yet some did visit me and thanks for the same. Out of courtesy, out of concern, out of curiosity, out of love, whichever was the case, some came. Other than relatives, the only visitors that I had were from the "T group". Was it just a mere co-incidence or a sign?

This group which had seen the downsides of me. The group which had beared my emotional turmoils. Some who had patiently listened to the same topics and complaints over and over again and yet continued to be with me. Some who had asked me to shut up and not whine. Some who had given me, "I too understand" dialogues and quoted supporting examples which made me realize they did not understand at all. And one who liked me enough to tell, "You seemed like the first half of 'Jab we met' movie when you joined, now it looks like the second half!" Though an exaggeration, it kept reminding me all these years, how I was deviating from my true self.

When you are happy it is easy to have friends around, 
But it is a blessing to find a shoulder to cry when down. 

I did not want to burden them with a secret. But if this small secret could be a burden, then what I had been doing to them all these years would be an offense. It was not fair and not worth keeping this secret from them.


The other two had happy faces at having met after so long and we were chit chatting. I turned back impatiently, one last time, she was either late or not going to make it. I had anyway told her during lunch, so just decided to go ahead. "Actually, I called you people to tell something important," I said.
"Don't tell me you have put your paper!" Harish said without a moments delay.
 "Oh my god! Bull's eye! How did you guess it? Or is the news already making the rounds?" I asked.
He looked totally shocked and said, "What? You are joking right? I don't know! I said simply! You are lying! It can't be!"
"I put it three weeks back." I said with a slight guilt.
"And you are telling now? The moment people come out, they are so happy that they start announcing!" said Harish.

A week before dengue fever, my manager called me to the meeting room. "I request you to keep this confidential. People just go on announcing it like an achievement. I don't like it! And then it is spread across. That is not the way it should be. People will know when it is time to know! I know that you are not like that. You are sensible and I trust you to keep this entire thing confidential till the time is right." he said. A person with a big heart, but at the same time knows what words to be used with which person. It was not my sense of duty, ethics, the rights and wrongs or the trust he credited me with, which agreed to him. Symptomatic treatments do not solve any issues. My stubborn 12 year old acne problem is a reminder of that. But my respect and gratitude for him made me nod my head in agreement.

"But just like that, why did you do it?" the manager asked curiously. I shook my head not sure if I should even reveal, it still sounded so silly and embarrassing. Or maybe, he just wanted to suggest more solutions to continue as in the beginning I was hoping to work it out somehow. Asking for half day options, sabatical options and what not.
"It's Ok, I am happy with the decision. It's a happy one! Really!", I said feeling  content and relaxed already. 
"Yes, but what next?" he asked really wanting to know. 
I gave up and said, "I want to dance! I just want to be able to dance!"
He did a good job of not showing any emotion other than digesting the information. "You mean, you want to teach dancing? As a profession?" he asked. 
"I don't know. I want to get rid of my back pain. Get my health back and be able to dance! Or maybe I will learn and take up yoga as profession" I said recollecting how my parents asked me, when I was four, if I would join my sister in her dance class. I said "Girls dance, not me!", like I was not one, "I will exercise."
He could connect to some extent and started telling, "I understand too. I have already started taking music classes in the weekends.....". 
Not sure what he said next, an impatient listener, I cut him short,"At least you have learnt music! You have an edge." 
Finally, the expression nearing disbelief was on his face, "What? Have you never learnt dancing?"
I shook my head in a big no and said, "I dunno, it's really wierd. During final year of B.E, I participated in one dance. I felt like this is what I was born to do. It's just wierd! " 

It was the final semester of engineering, when I finally took part in a dance, believing then, that it would be my last dance performance on stage. They say if you do something in excess, it starts losing the taste. I too wanted to satisfy my lifetime's desire to perform on stage, in that one last dance. The music began and I twirled and faced the audience, me in the coloured light, them in darkness, every part of me alive and at it's best! It had to be, it was the last time. At that point in the stage, there was 'the moment' where one second seemed to extend into a minute. That voice, that silent me, telling me that this is what I was born for.

My manager said, "It happens! It happens 'all' the time!"
Was it agreement on his face or pity for where I was leading myself to? Did he mean that 'all' get such feelings but life has to go on? Was it a comment in sync with the dialogue he said few days back, "Jo haath main hai vo mitti, jo kho gaya voh sona."?
Barring the thoughts, I continued trying not to be overwhelmed, "This was the right thing to do. I am at peace with whatever has happened in my life so far because I could take this decision. There were times when I thought it was unfair that I am a women, that I should have been a man. Today I am happy about it, since it allowed me to take such a decision more easily. The day I resigned, blames and regrets left me. Everything that ever happened seems fine now."
His expression changed when I mentioned about the regret of not being a man. Could not read it, but father of two daughters, the sentence could have had a meaning for him. But he now seemed to have gotten the hang of what I was going through and wished me luck and we got back to work. Me agreeing to respect his wish though not really agreeing with him.


After justifying the need to keep the entire thing secret, adding the "Don't tell anyone" dialogue, I said,"I am just going for a break. Dunno what next as of now."
"Many want to take this decision but are not able to. It's really great that you could take it!" Harish said with admiration.
"Are you saying that?" I asked in disbelief. Whenever I would speak to him about this topic he was always of the opinion that it is good if women work. He is never short of admiring his working mum's contribution to the family.
"You know, my wife also says the same thing. Once we have a baby she will not work it seems. She would not want to leave the baby." Anirudh said, happy to have arrived to the conclusion that perhaps all women think same.
"Aaah! People will say that but thoughts may change later", quipped Madhu who joined in soon after the news sank.
"I am not doing this for Nandini!  She may benefit from it and she is the main factor leading me to this. This is perhaps right time. Now that she has joined school, I would find time to work out an alternate way. I want to do something else." I said begging to differ. But truly, my daughter brought purpose in my life and also inspires me to keep going on.
"Ya ladies have so many options you know. My friend's wife is doing some craft work kind of thing at home",  Anirudh said.
"Ya I am thinking of Yoga, dance or perhaps B.A. in literature. Something I wanted to do even the time I met Vasu. I am going happily mad since so many options have opened up, now that I have resigned. I am so relieved," I said. Six and a half years back my beloved husband, then fiance, triggered me out of a 23 year old writer's block as we kept writing Shayaris to each other. That time I never found enough courage to quit though I desperately wanted to. Mommies are braver!
"Ya, it's nice. We also wish we had such an option." said Anirudh with a smile which showed that men were trapped too. 

The last two and half years had been very stressful for the entire family. I chose to work for the financial aspect but always wished it was a four hours job. I was too tired but pushed myself knowing that it would be same if I stay at home too. Many times I would complain to all about my stress levels, hoping for either more help or motivation or an ego boost. But they were equally or more tired. All I would get back, was the dialogue to quit working if I wanted to. I craved for that important place in the family, the role of aiding the bread earner which I did not feel I got. And in the end, none of us were happy even if money flowed in. Each thinking that they are doing a favor to the other and each more stressed than the other. After a big argument with family members I finally confronted my husband, "Why would you not admit that I do make a difference financially for the family?". He said, "You are making it and I can't deny that, but I can't afford to go to the comfort zone of thinking you would always work!" Everybody has a valid point and if we think enough everybody seems to be right in their own ways. What I was looking for, was a push, but now I realize, I have something better! Freedom!


Today I did not have a counter reply for Anirudh. It was perhaps my turn to make guys jealous. Instead of cribbing about what is not right, instead of hoping for more support, instead of going by the book, instead of blame games and regrets, I was making the best of what was available and given to me in this life. Most importantly, I was finally listening to my intuitions.

I still want to earn but me first and then money. I will get no more or no less than what was destined, directly or indirectly. 
I still want to do my part for the family but me first and then relationships. If I am not fine then no relationship will be. 
I still have lot of dreams but happiness first and then dreams. Dream itself is in the hope of finding happiness at the end of it. 
I am off to check all the theories, put them to practice and it will be tough to do so. I may end up as a homemaker, or back in IT, or something else.Whichever keeps me self motivated. Time will tell what is to happen.

I read a quote few days ago: "Someday, everything will make perfect sense."

Looking back, all the random activities in life seem to follow a pattern. Right from health, family, friends, job, conversations, opportunities, nature, to the mundane day to day activities, all seem to be speaking a language of their own. If one cares to listen, pieces of the jigsaw puzzle start falling into place. What seemed like holes once, may start appearing like bridges.


Carved was a path obvious, but you had other plans.
Sweet Serendipity! You are not just a mere chance.

Ignoring caused torment, created an unbearable noise.
Hence, giving up on reason, surrendering to the inner voice,
Knowing that you would step in again, 
when it is not the best choice.

The Sweetest Of All

"Amma Amma! Odopo!", said Nandini, bringing a book she was gifted by a relative the previous day. The new book was, "Grandpa's stories", Volume 1 by Navneet Publications.
I gave her some other books asking her to see the pictures so that I could read the new book myself first. Every minute she would close a book and impatiently tell me, "Ee book soothu aanu!" . I kept passing her different books till I finished reading this one. The book had stories of wit and humour and my 3 year old was too young to understand most.Nevertheless, had to translate the stories to her since she would not agree otherwise. 

It was a struggle to make her understand meaning of words like, "Earth", "Stingy", "fools" etc. Either the stories would be modified or some parts would be  skipped for simplicity sake. Worst were the humorous Nasruddin Mulla stories. She would stare blankly at the end of it and not get the joke. After every story, I would say that it's enough but she would insist and we continued our sense and non-sense time.

Then came the 5th story, "The Sweetest of All". The story goes like this in brief :
A scholar from neighboring country came to king Bhoja's court. He asked a question which no one had so far answered to the scholar's satisfaction. The question being, "What is the sweetest thing on earth?"
All the pundits in court, thought it was a simple question, and gave different answers. Love, Selfishness, Good sleep, Respect, Success, being some of the answers. None satisfied the scholar. Then Kalidasa stepped in and gave an answer which  made the scholar happy.
Below is the reply as given in the book:
"Your majesty! Need is the sweetest of all. Nothing seems sweet unless and until one needs it. If you are not hungry, you do not need food, hence it does not taste sweet. If you don't need someone to be near you, his love will no longer seem sweet to you. Similarly if you do not need to be selfish, selfishness will not be sweet and when you wake up after a peaceful sleep, even sleep will not be sweet to you. Those who see no difference between respect and insult, will not appreciate respect. The people who live in forest do not find fame to be sweet, because they do not need fame. Thus, need is the sweetest of all. Nothing is sweet unless and until one really needs it."

I could not help but appreciate that today this answer was not just a theory to me. At the same time, I was struggling to explain this concept of  "need" to Nandini along with all the other new words. She was quiet and I could not make out if her mind had wandered or was she really listening. I was curious to know whether she understood anything at all. Had to put her to test! Holding her chin, I moved her face towards me. As soon as her big wide eyes caught mine, I asked, "Manthethla sweet jaado?" [What is the sweetest of all?]. Without missing a moment, like an obedient student, she replied , "Soan Papadi!!".




Translations :
"Amma Amma! Odopo!" - "Mother! Mother! Make me read!"
"Ee book soothu aanu!" - "I finished seeing this book!"


https://pixabay.com/en/swing-park-childhood-nostalgia-1279515/

Name of this Blog

"You know what your problem is? You are a perfectionist! You are not able to handle it, when you don't hit the target, right at bulls eye!". These were the lines my manager told me patiently, at the end of a super heated argument, which I lost in tears.

Later that night, looking at the dry, flaky skin which had not tasted moisturizer since an year, gazing at the ever increasing pile of unwashed clothes, recollecting how I skipped baby's vitamin doze that night since I was too tired, I wondered if I really was a perfectionist. Are they not the ones who are perfect? I was far from anything near perfection.

As I pondered on this subject, I realized that I do seek perfection in things that mean a lot to me. And on top of it, if I thought something should happen certain way and at a certain time, then it just had to, else I would get frustrated. "Mission Failed!". I would not mind leaving something incomplete because it did not go as per plan.
I think perfectionists are people who seek perfection and not perfect people. Perfectionist  also keep finding flaw in everything. It's because as they improve on things, they observe scope for more improvement. Everybody would be perfectionist in some or the other aspect in life. It's a worthy quality depending on how it is used.

The lines by my manager also opened my eyes to my problems. I had set my targets looking at success definitions around me, ignoring what I really wanted. I thought it was success to have financial stability, relationships with people of same wavelength, a routine and disciplined life without unknowns etc. As I would work on them, either I would not be able to meet them or the targets would move ahead as soon as they seemed easy. There was no end. My targets also depended highly on external factors and luck, not everything can be controlled. Nothing will ever be ideal unless you think that everything is ideal. But it is tough to be fooled into such a belief.

I had been stressed up for quite sometime, had even plunged into spiritual reading (in limited available time), but did not know what exactly was the cause of trouble.  Finally, on knowing the issue, direction became clear. Any strong quality in you, can either be your weakness or your strength depending on how you decide to use it. The so called "perfectionist" is here to stay, time to change the target.  Now on my goal would be "happiness and inner peace". If I fret on not achieving it, then I move further away. So in no case can I brood over regrets or disappointments since it is against my aim.  After almost 7 years, I finally found the courage to listen to my intuition. I made up my mind and resigned that night. Success will not be about following the general success trends anymore. My definition of success today, is being happy and doing what makes me so, without waiting for the ideal time or situation.

It is going to take practice and has to be built up in coming days and years but I already feel content. The name of this blog also reflects an aspect of the recent insight. 
At peace, knowing that nothing is flawless like I would like them to be. 
Yet close to my heart just like the imperfect me. 

P.S - ImperfectMom was already taken away, making the name slightly less perfect than I would have liked. ;):p